The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Jamaican Ben Horny

Photo: ABC
Photo: ABC

The Bachelor goes to Jamaica for Fantasy Suite dates. Who goes home after getting down?

The Bachelor is in Jamaica! It is, you guessed it, the perfect place to fall in love. I have been to Jamaica twice, and I disagree with this basic premise. It is, however, the perfect place to get a delicious rum punch. We start with a recap of all three women’s “journeys,” which I fast-forwarded through. Ben’s date with Caila includes taking a boat down a river in what I am guessing is Ocho Rios, which is gorgeous. (Fun fact: that river ends right next to the nude beach at Couples San Souci, but I don’t think they take the tourists that far.) Later on, they are at Sandals Royal Plantation, which is across the river from the aforementioned nude beach. Caila confesses that she loves Ben. He nods and kisses her so that he won’t have to actually say anything. They decide to forgo their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the Fantasy Suite. Implied sex ensues.

Lauren’s date is next, and they are still in Ocho Rios based on the rockiness and vegetation. They go to Gibraltar Beach and play with adorable sea turtles, and for the first time ever, I wish I were on a Fantasy Suite date with the Bachelor. Apparently there’s a program where they help strengthen the baby turtles so they are likelier to survive in the ocean. Despite the fact that baby sea turtle personal training would be a way better show, we continue their date turtle-free. He tells Lauren she is too good for him. Yep, probably. In the Fantasy Suite, Lauren says she is in love with Ben. Ben says he has been in love with her “for a while.” WHAAAAA? Not since Brad 2.0 said this to Emily Maynard have we seen the lead say “I love you” before the finale. And “for a while?” Like, spoiler alert, Ben. Implied sex ensues.

Finally, Ben’s date with JoJo is here. They are whisked away in a helicopter to Negril, which is clear across the island. JoJo wears a Vaguely Distressing Bikini (seriously, it is upsetting me, and I’m not sure why) as they make out near a waterfall. JoJo says she loves Ben, and he says it back. WHAAAAAA? He loves two of these hoes? Oh, for FUCK’S SAKES. Ben is such a dumbass. One of the primary Bachelor rules is do not say you love multiple women. What are the other rules?

Do lounge around on the veranda drinking coffee and looking pensive. This is a REQUIREMENT to be with the Bachelor.

Don’t bother to learn how to speak in the first-person plural. “Caila and my’s.” “It could be a great date for Caila and I.” Ben, you SUCK.

Do have humidity-proof hair. I don’t know how, but Caila’s hair is beautiful and lush with no frizz despite spending all day in what is probably 90-degree heat and 95% humidity.

Do let it all hang out. If you have shorts that show butt cheeks or tops that show side-boob, by God, you better wear them together. This is your last chance for love, girls.

Don’t look like shit in the morning. None of these women look bad without makeup. It’s a miracle, truly.

Do read “The Five Love Languages” and adhere to it religiously. JoJo very seriously says her love language is Words of Affirmation, and she is gravely concerned that she won’t hear them from Ben until the end. Aaaaaalrighty. Should have thought about that before you signed up.

Caila is sent home, obviously, because she was the only one that Ben wasn’t in love with. Next week, the Women will Tell All, and I’m sure Olivia and her giant mouth will be ripped a new one by everybody.

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    About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
    After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail:
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