Ho-Ho-Horrible Holiday Movie: Lifetime’s Becoming Santa

(Photo By: Lifetime)
(Photo By: Lifetime)

Is Becoming Santa the gift that keeps on giving? …Meh?

The description on my cable guide for the Lifetime movie Becoming Santa reads as follows: “A woman brings her boyfriend home for Christmas to meet her parents, Santa and Mrs. Claus. He must decide if he’s willing to continue their relationship after learning that he’d be next in line for Santa’s job.” I mean, come on. If I didn’t record this, the terrorists would have won. So let’s watch it, shall we, and see if it’s any good. (Spoiler alert: probably not. And I am writing this spoiler alert before watching a damn second of it.)

Laura Bell Bundy, who is best known for playing Elle Woods on Broadway, is a veterinarian named Holly who talks to various animals that are wearing Santa hats. Her boyfriend Connor shows up and says he has a surprise for her. “Before Christmas?!” Holly says incredulously. Well, the surprise turns out to be holiday decorations, so we see how easy it is to impress this chick. Then she uses a poof of magic or whatever to secretly light the tree. Something tells me her Christmas surprise for him ain’t gonna be an accidental pregnancy or something.

Connor says he loves her and wants to meet her parents! Great! Holly calls an elf named Mario and makes the arrangements. Because Connor does not know that Holly’s parents are Santa and Mrs. Claus! OMG, the drama! Also, this means Santa and Mrs. Claus have totally gotten it on at least once, which is both super sexy and childhood-destroying at the same time, like when we learned that Judy from Family Matters became a porn star.

Connor apparently works in a toy company and he sucks at it. His coworkers aren’t any better, though, because they think a “hunky Santa doll” is something America needs and wants. “I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get the kids interested these days!” Connor moans. Um. Huh.

Holly and Connor travel north, and she uses magic to basically roofie him so that he doesn’t know where they’re going. So far I have counted at least two scenes that may or may not promote creepy sexual exploitation, so yeah, this is the perfect holiday film for your family to watch. They arrive at Holly’s house and introduce Connor to the parents, who are, obviously, Santa and Mrs. Claus. Let’s see how long it takes Connor to figure this out, or whether he will need to be explicitly told.

Apparently Connor is a slow learner, because there are about eleventy billion clues that shit’s about to get real up in here. They have a barn full of reindeer, for fuck’s sake. He seems to be more concerned with the first impression he is making on her folks than the fact that her folks are clearly SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS. To cheer him up, Holly takes him to see a CGI display of the northern lights, and finally tells him they’re at the North Pole. He is baffled. I am, too, since the North Pole is in the middle of an ocean full of constantly-shifting ice fields, unsuitable for permanent settlement. But…the magic of Christmas!

Just when this movie can’t get less plausible, Holly’s ex-boyfriend, Jack Frost, shows up! Despite the fact that he is clearly homosexual (sweater around the shoulders? Improbably good build?), he still seems bitter about their breakup, which was a long time ago. Later, Holly and her mom are cleaning up the barn, and we see that the reindeer stalls are labeled with the typical reindeer names. I don’t know, guys, I think Connor might actually figure this out on his own…one of these days.

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    About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
    After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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