The Walking Dead gives you more Negan that you ever needed. Or wanted.
We can all agree that there are certain aspects of AMC’s The Walking Dead that seem a little, shall we say, far-fetched. The most improbable of these scenarios will be reviewed here each week.
“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Episode Recap
If you have read the comics, you did not need to watch this episode at all, because it is (often literally and extensively) verbatim. Otherwise: Negan gives Carl a tour of his compound, showing off his wives and his devoted followers and his ability to burn his wives’ real husbands’ faces with irons (that’s how Dwight got like that). Negan takes Carl home to Alexandria and gets his own slapstick-y tour of Casa Grimes, in a montage that redefines “trying too hard.” Negan cuddles Judith on the porch and decides he might stay after all! FUN! Next week: oh, there’s Morgan! And stuff is happening, I guess!
I suspect we are meant to think being one of Negan’s wives is horrible, but honestly, it’s probably one of the least terrifying ways to survive a zombie apocalypse. Having weekly, unsatisfying sex with an asshole is something a lot of women do nowadays for free! And by choice!
Of all the songs Carl could sing to Negan, he picked “You Are My Sunshine?!” I would have sung Ceelo’s “Fuck You.”
Olivia bursts into tears because Negan makes fun of her weight? WTF? Of all the things this woman has survived, a douche-y fat joke is the thing that breaks her? Then Negan “politely” offers to “screw her brains out,” and she slaps him. The slap should have come earlier, woman! Grow some ovaries!
Jesus pours out a whole bottle of syrup without even taking one swig? That is confidence, right there.
When did Father Gabriel become so damn awesome? His talk with Idiot Spencer in the car was like a huge Reuben sandwich of “WORD.” (By the way, someone needs to change the brake pads in Spencer’s car, because they are screechin’ something fierce, especially for a car that doesn’t look too old.)
Carl’s hair has long been ridiculous, but tonight it is legit FEATHERED. Like, okay, Farrah Fawcett, running around here like Charlie’s damn Angels and shit. It doesn’t help that Chandler Riggs cannot act “badass” to save his life.
Negan’s henchwoman seriously thought she could overpower Michonne? She is wearing a sleeveless top, idiot, you can plainly see that your stolen 9MM is not the only “gun” she’s got.
Apparently, every single male walker died wearing a white t-shirt, long-sleeve button-down with all the buttons open, drab khaki pants, and work boots. Seriously, this is THE “male walker uniform,” and it’s getting distracting. Give me a fat zombie with Bermuda shorts and a “Who Farted?” novelty t-shirt.