The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Finally Finale

Photo: ABC
Photo: ABC

The Bachelor is over. Who did he choose?

The Bachelor is still in Jamaica! Now his parents are here. They meet the two women. Nothing noteworthy happens, except that Ben tells his folks that he has professed love for two women and you can see his mother thinking “who raised you, you fucking idiot?” in her head. Ben claims he has no idea who he will be proposing to in just a few short days, which I don’t buy for a second. He also claims that he and JoJo have “overcome hard times” and he and Lauren have not. What the hell are you talking about? What hard times? Like when her ex-boyfriend was told by producers to leave roses on her stoop? Or when her brothers were total assholes? Newsflash: those aren’t hard times. Try dealing with a miscarriage or a meth addiction.

Okay, confession time: I hate the finale. I hate the Women Tell All, which is why I didn’t bother recapping it. I almost didn’t bother recapping this finale, since the finale episodes are all the same. Fake indecision, misdirection, meet the parents, multiple recaps of the “journey,” OMG I can picture a life with BOTH these people, blah blah blah. The closest these episodes ever come to being interesting is when one of the lead’s family members hates one of the final 2 contestants, like on Ashley’s season when her sister was a total bitch to JP about how old he was. Unfortunately, this finale was completely typical, aside from the constant declarations of love on all sides, which is probably a side effect of having a young Bachelor who constantly mistakes “I have a boner” with “I am in love.” That being said, let’s move on with the half-assed recap.

Ben goes on final dates with Lauren and JoJo. Some genius thought letting Ben drive a Jeep around Jamaica (on the wrong side of the road) was a great idea. Considering how much bad plastic surgery we saw on JoJo’s mom in the hometowns, and considering how JoJo looks in bikinis now, it is safe to say JoJo “inherited” her mother’s breasts…from her doctor. Indeed, Ben spends his entire final date with JoJo looking like he really regrets ever telling this chick that he loved her, so…spoiler alert.

Neil Lane brings his collection of tacky rings over and Ben says he knows who he wants to marry. Finally. JoJo shows up for her ceremonial dumping in a dress straight from the Hooker Bride Barbie collection. Then Ben proposes to Lauren. He didn’t even bother to shave that day, so clearly it’s true love. Wishing you several weeks of happiness! (Side note: throughout the “live finale,” they were hinting that there might be a live wedding on After the Final Rose. There wasn’t. That was just to keep you watching.)

Only two rules tonight, gang. See ya next season for Bachelorette JoJo! See, she’s over it already!

Do stop wasting our time with this garbage.

Don’t tell two different women you love them, you cross-eyed fool, you.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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