The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Hometown Shame

Photo: ABC
Photo: ABC

The Bachelor visits the women’s hometowns. Which families terrify him?

The Bachelor gets to meet the families of all four of his remaining girlfriends, which is probably the most romantic episode of every season. Cough. We start in Laguna Beach with Amanda, and Ben immediately meets her two daughters, who are as shy as you would expect around a big strange man and his camera crew. After what we are told is an extremely long day on the beach, they go back to Amanda’s house and meet her folks and sister, and the kids are exhausted. Ben is freaked out by the screaming and it shows. Bye, Amanda. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The date improves later on, but Ben’s grammar does not. “Amanda’s and I’s relationship?”

Next is Portland with Lauren. Since she is the only remaining Lauren, I will not specify further. They eat lunch at food trucks and don’t get food poisoning, at least not on camera. Later he meets her family and is grilled to a golden-brown crunch. Not too burnt, but tasty with texture. Ben then visits Caila in Hudson, Ohio. Wait a damn minute, didn’t this girl not know where Indiana was on a map? Maybe she wasn’t on that date. I’m too lazy to look it up. They design and build a toy house at her father’s toy factory. Wait, is her father Santa Claus? Ben has never met a Filipino before, so it’s a huge day for him in Hudson meeting Caila’s mom. “My interest in Caila has been really cool,” Ben says reassuringly. That’s really all you need to know about this date.

The last hometown is in Dallas with JoJo. She finds roses on her doorstep and reads the accompanying note, and it takes her an embarrassingly long time to figure out that the note is not from Ben, but from her ex, Chad. Shit, I figured it out immediately (“I’m not sending you this because you’re on a show?” Get your shit together, JoJo). She is devastated, but calls Chad to tell him to fuck off, in so many words. So. Many. WORDS. Thankfully this crap is interrupted by Ben’s arrival, and JoJo tells him about the Drama. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” JoJo sobs. Um. She takes Ben to meet her family, which includes two extremely loud, annoying brothers and a mother who has had a shocking amount of bad plastic surgery. Seriously, this poor woman has been butchered. The first rule of plastic surgery: pick a good doctor. What are the rules of The Bachelor?

Do be good with kids. Even if they seem to hate you at first. They probably have a good reason to hate you, anyway.

Don’t keep your natural nose. It will not be obvious at all to viewers that you have gotten it fixed, once they see your parents and how they look. AMANDA. (Ten bucks says she brought a picture of Sandra Bullock to the surgeon’s office and said “gimme that one.”)

Do claim to love butter, like Lauren. Nobody would believe you, because you are too thin to enjoy the pleasures of butter on the reg, but go ahead and claim to love it.

Do know your way around a power drill. Nothing is sexier than a woman with power tools. Just ask any lesbian.

Don’t rein in your dad’s craziness. “How is microwave fame? I can’t imagine meeting four sets of parents!” he blurts out, presumably before even drinking a single beer.

Do appear desirable. JoJo’s flowers from an ex made her a hot commodity that Ben had to snatch up…at least for another week.

Amanda is sent home to the babies that clearly scared the shit out of Ben. Next week, Lauren, JoJo, and Caila have sex with Ben, and he will choose two of those women to continue to compete to have sex with him more often.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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