The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: War(saw), What Is It Good For?

Photo: ABC
Photo: ABC

The Bachelor travels to the booming metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana. Watch the women feign excitement!

The Bachelor has brought his 6-woman-strong harem to his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana. It is, naturally, the perfect place to fall in love/raise a family, like every place they ever travel. Lauren B gets the first one-on-one, and they drive around town and play basketball (because it’s INDIANA) at the local youth center. Just the sort of glamorous, cosmopolitan activity you can expect if you become his wife! As if this day can’t get any more magical, they end up at a dive bar! By the way, Ben stopped by and asked Lauren on the date, which really freaked the other women out for some reason. “We’ve never actually seen him ASK another woman on a DATE before,” they seethe with jealousy. If you think that’s bad, you should see where all he has put his tongue, you weirdos.

JoJo gets a one-on-one in Chicago, which is actually a fairly glamorous, cosmopolitan city, as long as you do not attempt to drive anywhere downtown. They go to Wrigley Field and…jack around, I guess. Becca, Amanda and Caila go on a group date, which Amanda deduces is “not just about flying kites.” I think we’re dealing with a secret genius, you guys. Each one of them whines to Ben about not feeling special enough, which is shocking, considering he has six girlfriends. Amanda gets the rose, and just when you think these dates can’t possibly get more romantic, Ben takes her to work at McDonalds, you guys. I am not making this shit up. Not pictured: them forgetting to give someone barbecue sauce in the drive-thru. After their thrilling shift, they go to a carnival, where the mayor says “Ben is a great representative of our community” without a trace of irony.

Emily meets Ben’s parents on her date, and she is awfully immature. Example: she “doesn’t like vegetables.” Seriously? Ben’s mom cries at the thought of this girl as her daughter-in-law, which may be a Bachelor first. Ben sends Emily home, because he’s not quite as stupid as he seems. Listen to your mother. What are the other rules?

Do talk to each other. There is no wi-fi! This is Warsaw, Indiana, FFS.

Don’t object to wearing a “Mrs. Higgins” baseball jersey. Of COURSE you will take his last name, silly woman. Go make him a pie.

Do make a “think about baseball” joke on a date at Wrigley Field. Nobody made that joke and I was so disappointed.

Do eat fries like friggin’ Lady and the Tramp or some shit, because when your date is the worst in Bachelor history, you might as well double down.

Don’t act like a 12-year-old when you meet your boyfriend’s parents. If you say you want to be “a Denver Broncos cheerleader when [you] grow up,” chances are you are not wife future ex-fiancee material.

Don’t blindside Becca! She will choke a bitch!

Emily is sent home on her date, and Becca is sent home at the rose ceremony (and is none too happy about it). Next week: hometowns!

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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