The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Las Gringas Desesperadas

Photo: ABC
Photo: ABC

Mexico City says bienvenidos a The Bachelor. Como se dice “Valtrex?”

The Bachelor has landed in Mexico City! Olivia’s giant mouth arrives shortly before the 11 girls who are still competing to win Ben’s temporary affections. He arrives at 4:20 AM to wake up Amanda (and the other women) to take her on a date. The women are horrified to be seen without makeup and with morning breath. Amanda woke up with a face full of makeup, fully dressed, and perkily ready to go. Clearly a producer told her this was coming. Olivia’s giant mouth claims it would be “scary” (irony alert) for Ben to be a stepdad for Amanda’s two kids. She doesn’t think that’s what Ben wants. Because Olivia, having spent an awkward hour with Ben, knows what Ben wants. Ben and Amanda fly over ancient ruins in a hot-air balloon, which is actually a good use of hot-air balloon time. Like, it will, like, not surprise you to, like, know that Amanda has, like, been through a lot, like, you know? Seriously, she says “like” approximately four billion times.

The next day they have a group date. “I thought today we’d take advantage of being in Mexico City,” Ben says. “*GAPES OPEN*,” says Olivia’s mouth in response. They take a group class in Spanish, which makes me muy triste, you guys. Jubilee is clearly over it and refusing to participate in the cliché lameness. After class, they break into pairs to cook Mexican recipes. Olivia demands to be paired with Ben. You guys, Olivia is una perra. The dishes are judged by the restaurant owners, who determine that Jubilee and Lauren B. are the winners, i.e. the best at following directions. Olivia and her boca grande get the rose for the group date. Ugh. Jubilee gets sent home because she has no concept of how this show works, so adios, Jubes.

Lauren H. goes on a boring one-on-one to a fashion show. The less said about it, the better. During the cocktail party, Olivia makes a comment about “Teen Mom” to Amanda, despite the fact that Amanda was 22 when she had her first kid. Olivia cries as she claims she will try harder from now on. I’m not buying it, and neither is Emily, who seeks out Ben to tell him what a cee-u-next-martes Olivia is. Ben then asks Olivia what’s up, and her giant mouth tells Ben that everything is great! Hooray! First rule of The Bachelor: deny, deny, deny. What other rules were on display tonight?

Do wear makeup 24 hours a day. You never know when you’ll receive a “surprise visit” from your beloved.

Don’t speak Italian in Mexico, Becca. Grazie? Really?

Don’t buy into sexist tripe. “If you can cook, you’re ready for marriage,” Jubilee parrots stupidly. Nobody would ever say that to a man.

Do tell Ben all about how men cheat on you. Nothing says “I’m ready for marriage” like a woman who trashes her cheating exes on national television, especially when she is choosing to now date a man who is dating 10 other women.

Don’t disregard the testimony of the women. If they all agree that one chick is stank, the odds of her actually being stank are about 95%.

It’s a cliffhanger, so we’ll have to wait for next week to see the rose ceremony. I would be on the edge of my seat, if I hadn’t already read the spoilers on Reality Steve.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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