The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Bi(Plane)Sexual

(Photo: ABC)
(Photo: ABC)

The Bachelor brings the drama, as usual. Also, Olivia’s mouth, though.

We are one week, real time, into this “journey,” so naturally all of the women have fallen in love with Ben and are extremely territorial about him and his 16 other girlfriends. Lauren B. (not to be confused with the other Lauren B, who left last week, and not to be confused with any other Laurens on this god-awful show) gets a one-on-one biplane date. Despite the fact that she is a fucking FLIGHT ATTENDANT, she is terrified of flying in this adorable yellow plane that could easily glide down to safety even if the engine gives out. Meanwhile, back in the mansion, mentally-unstable women (Caila) are sobbing hysterically at the thought of him dating other women. You do realize you signed up for The Bachelor (instant polygamy required), and not Married at First Sight (instant monogamy required), right? Moron.

On the group date, they play soccer, and I have PTSD flashbacks to Juan Pablo’s season.  Later, Jubilee gets the one-on-one date that she longed for, and acts like a giant bitch about it to the other women. She stops just short of screaming “in your FACE, you dirty whores,” but I mean, just short of that.

At the cocktail party, Ben announces that two friends of his family passed away last night. Cue a parade of vapid women pulling him aside to talk about themselves. Horrifying. The only person who actually focuses on Ben is Jubilee, who gives him a stress-relieving massage. Naturally, the other women are super catty about it, because it’s all about them! All the time! Lace leaves at the cocktail party because she is a disaster she’s not feeling it with Ben. Rule #14: relationships are a two-way street. What are the other rules?

Do make butt-ugly faces at all times. Olivia has the world’s most horrifying mouth, and she is not afraid to use it…and not in a good, Ben-pleasing way. But he seems to like it, anyway, since she sticks around.

Don’t be so hyperbolic. Jubilee says that if she gets a date card, it will be “the happiest day of [her] life.” Are you kidding me? Getting a televised date with a human graham cracker would be the best day of your life?

Do be incomprehensible. “The fact that I’m on this date with this guy that I’m falling for, I can just imagine myself, like, pinching myself?” -Lauren B. She is clearly a frontrunner at this point.

Do wear a face full of makeup, including liquid eyeliner, to your soccer group date. Also, use ribald references to “ball-handling skills” to show the Bachelor what a great wife you’d make. Don’t worry if you know nothing about soccer. Soccer isn’t the point. The point is: screen time!

Do work out enough to have a perfect body, but not enough to actually be athletic whatsoever. The soccer date was a disaster because for all the great legs on these teams, nobody is coordinated.

Don’t be PC. Jubilee might be nuts (who on this show isn’t?), but if you call Ben “white boy” and he laughs, you may be well on your way to wedded bliss!

Do talk about your cankles (with tears in your eyes) right after Ben tells you that he needs to talk about his family friends passing away recently. Olivia is as braindead as she is bigmouthed.

Don’t sit down with a group of catty bitches to listen to them shit-talk you. Jubilee might be dumb enough to go on this show, but she is not dumb enough to put herself in the middle of an asshole convention where she’s the sole recipient of hate.

Going home tonight: Shushanna (she speaks English after all!) and Jami (the woman of color who got the least screen time). Next week, they go to Vegas, where Ben wants to “go all in on love.” Wow, who knew they’d have fantasy suites so soon!

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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