Enough Crazy For a Lifetime: My Sweet Audrina

Arden and Lamer Audrina are on a date wearing swimsuits. Then Vera shows up again and makes Arden put sunblock on her, because Vera is a skank and a cockblock. Audrina’s dad shows up and puts Vera’s cockblocking to shame, anyway, so no harm done? “Why can’t you be sweet, like the first Audrina?” WE GET IT, DUDE. Sheesh.

Audrina shows up for her pi-AH-no lesson and finds Vera and Jipster in post-, then mid-coital bliss. Jipster is not very professional, is he? Audrina flees back to Arden’s truck and demands that he take her home, then makes him stop the truck and flees into the woods. This bitch sure does flee a lot, right? She’s like “kiss me!” and she is having a psychotic break right now. I think I can safely say this is all Vera’s fault. Audrina tells Arden to find a normal girl to date, and forget about her.

Later, Vera shows up in Audrina’s room with a bag o’ porn and tells her how amazing it was to feel “his nine inches stabbing into” her. Nine inches? On JIPSTER? America just snorted all its chardonnay across the room. Fortunately, Dad shows up and then Vera’s mom shows up (still not sure what the deal is between Vera’s mom and Audrina’s dad), and long story short, everyone hates Vera, and Vera hates Audrina, and Vera calls Audrina “little sister,” and seriously, how the fuck are they related? Because I swear they don’t share a dad or a mom. “One day, all the secrets of this house will be revealed,” Vera sneers, and I’m like “bitch, WHEN?!”

Vera runs off to NYC with Jipster and Audrina’s like “Dad, would it have killed you to be nice to her?” WTF, since when do you like Vera? She is awful! Okay, now we are getting some answers: Dad was engaged to Vera’s mom’s sister, but Vera thinks Dad is HER dad, too, probably because Dad is what we call “touchy-feely.” Oh, and also, they are totally banging, I guess. The next morning Audrina finds Vera’s mom dead. “All the women in my life leave me,” moans Dad, who is probably a mass murderer.

Audrina and Arden want to get married! Predictably, Dad’s not having any of it. For once, Audrina has the sense to flee the house for a decent reason, and she and Arden get hitched immediately. They return to the house together to get Audrina’s stuff and Dad’s like “I would have been happy to walk you down the aisle!” Damn, this guy and Heather Graham should get together. They’re both batshit. Because Audrina and Arden are still kind of stupid, they stay in Audrina’s house so that Arden can get a juicy architecture commission to renovate the place. Clearly, Dad plans to kill at least one of you.

Wedding night! Bow-chicka-bow-wow! I sure hope Audrina studied Vera’s weird porn collection. Probably not, because Audrina is having a psychotic break while freshening up in the bathroom. She is in the bathroom so long, I’m surprised her groom doesn’t think she has a horrific case of diarrhea. To make a very long scene short, they didn’t consummate this marriage.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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