Enough Crazy For a Lifetime: My Sweet Audrina

(Photo: Lifetime)
(Photo: Lifetime)

Is Lifetime’s My Sweet Audrina as insane as the internet thought it would be? Clare investigates.

I’ve heard a lot of buzz about the new Lifetime movie, My Sweet Audrina, which is based on the V.C. Andrews novel of the same name. Since we all know what masterpieces the Flowers in the Attic series turned out to be, I could not resist checking out this film, despite the fact that I’ve never read the book and have no clue what it’s about. But hey, no preconceived notions! Let’s dive in!

“I was named after my dead sister, Audrina.” First sentence and I’m already like, “that’s just bad parenting.” Turns out the parents are emotionally abusive and refer to the first Audrina as “the best Audrina.” Hypothesis: confirmed. Audrina the Latter is basically a prisoner in her house because she isn’t allowed to leave, and also there is no way to tell what day it is in this house. Where are the ancient Mayans when you need them?

Okay, now the mom is making Audrina touch her pregnant belly and is saying “I made this baby for you!” …Thanks, Mom? Audrina has the audacity to mention the first Audrina and the mother gets the vapors and needs to lie down. I gotta say, the acting in this film is top-notch. By “top,” I mean “goddamn,” and by “notch,” I mean “horrible.”

Some ho named Vera (it is unclear how they are/aren’t related) is a total bitch to Inferior Audrina, but this serves to tell the audience that 1) Audrina has no memory of her past, and 2) it’s Valentine’s Day! Also, Vera is gas-lighting the shit out of Worse Audrina, saying she’s crazy and stupid and everyone in town thinks she is a bed-wetter. Dear ol’ dad isn’t much better, but at least he claims it’s all in the interest of keeping Pitiful Audrina safe. To demonstrate this, he makes Audrina sit in a rocking chair in a room full of creepy dolls and tells her to channel Better Audrina’s essence and let “her sweetness fill you.” This all sounds extremely rapey.

The next day, Audrina sees her Manic Pixie Dream Boy neighbor, who gestures for her to follow him. They meet up in the woods. Turns out his name is Arden, and he sent Vera with Valentine’s candy for Audrina. Audrina literally runs away, because she is the worse of the two Audrinas, as we know. And now Audrina’s mom is having a stillbirth in the kitchen, holding a bloody hand out to Audrina and dramatically saying “whyyyyy did you go out into the woods?!” in a way that makes me long for the acting ability of Heather Graham.

Some years have passed, and now Audrina is older and has developed an extremely pretentious affect to her voice that makes her sound vaguely and falsely British. Mom is dead, hooray! Her dad gives her permission to take piano (Audrina says “pi-AH-noh,” like a traitor) lessons in town from a hipster who went to Julliard. I dub thee: Jipster. On the way home she encounters older, hotter Arden in the woods, and he asks her out for Saturday.

Later, Vera decides to take piano lessons because she heard Jipster is hot. Eh, Arden is hotter. Vera’s advanced seduction techniques involve making him “guide her fingers,” which is not as dirty as it sounds YET. Okay, I am seriously confused about who the fuck Vera even is.

A Brief Word From Our Sponsors:

About Clare Snyder 139 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
Contact: Twitter