The Bachelor is back! Featuring: a chicken enthusiast.
It’s season eleventy billion of The Bachelor, and this year we have 26-years-young Ben (from Kaitlyn’s season) trying to select a future ex-fiancee from a group of drunken famewhores. Yes, I am skeptical about this. Ben is from small-town Indiana and he loves basketball, because that is practically a requirement of being from Indiana. “Warsaw’s a place where everybody feels like family.” To demonstrate this sentiment, they show a young woman holding a selfie stick screaming “woooooo!” Blah blah, sad Ben, I need love, waaaaaaaaah, I’m unlovable. Ben, you are movie-star hot, so shut your beautiful face with this “I’m so lonely” crap. Ben discusses this idiotic process with past Bachelors Chris, Sean, and Jason, and Chris hilariously says “you have one chance to meet your wife” even though he is totally single now.
Ben meets a ginormous bevy of mostly-Caucasian beauties. Don’t bother learning names yet. One of them is a nutritionist who loathes gluten because reasons. One is wearing a baby onesie. One of them is a set of twins, and for once I’m not referring to a set of breast implants (I’m referring to TWO sets of breast implants). Mandi the dentist is very interested in his oral [hygiene] skills. Later, Becca and Amber from Chris’s season show up to join our colorful cast of drunk skanks. This pisses off women who think it’s unfair that they have another shot at love chance to be on television. That’s how you know these girls aren’t here to find their husband: if you’re meant to be with a guy, it doesn’t matter if there are 25 other girls in the room or 2,500. That’s rule #1. What are the other rules?
Do speak English, for at least a bit of your introduction. Otherwise you will confuse our corn-fed Bachelor Ben. Later, Shushanna continues to speak exclusively Russian with the other girls and I start to think the producers mail-ordered her from St. Petersburg to replace a last-minute cancellation.
Don’t be thrown by the terror in the Bachelor’s eyes when you say “this is what dating me is like” as you walk a miniature horse on a leash into the mansion.
Do be named Lauren. There are at least fifteen Laurens that I counted. Two of them even have the same last initial, B.
Don’t assume everyone knows the geography of Texas. This is a common mistake that people from Texas make: thinking that everyone in the country knows the relative positions of Austin, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and other places. If you quiz our Indiana Bachelor about this, prepare for disappointment.
Do expect the other women to be beautiful. Laura was “counting on at least one ugly one.” Oh, honey. Jaclyn was the exception, not the rule.
Don’t wear sequins. You think it will make you stand out, but not if everyone else is wearing sequins. The most elegant gown of the night? The simple, pale-blue strapless dress worn by one of the Laurens B.
Do imply that you and your twin will tag-team the Bachelor in the fantasy suite. A little twincest goes a long way.
Don’t drink so much that you get a beer gut at the cocktail party and end the night looking 6 months pregnant, Samantha. Nothing wrong with having a belly, but growing one in a single evening is a sign to put the booze down.