Ho-Ho-Horrible Holiday Movie: Lifetime’s The Spirit of Christmas

The next day, Kate is looking for Daniel and ends up in a Poltergeist Bedroom. She’s like “stop trying to scare me!” Bitch, it’s NOT HIM. They quickly figure out that there is a second ghost. There could be a squadron of other ghosts, morons. Daniel decides Kate should stay and help him figure out his mystery, or whatever. Kate gives him a Christmas tree as an apology for her psycho hose-beast behavior last night. How sweet. Daniel hits on Kate as they decorate it. Seriously? What does he see in this woman?

Daniel decides he will sit in a chair in the corner of her bedroom as she sleeps, for protection. Yeah, that’s not unsettling at all. Have a ghost hang out in your bedroom to prevent ghosts from hanging out in your bedroom. The next day, they’re still trying to solve the mystery of how Daniel died. Blah blah blah. Kate gets called back to work in the city and there’s practically a tearful goodbye and she promises to return before he “leaves” again. Why are all of these holiday movies about insanely quick romances? And this is ridiculous because he is dead and she is awful.

While Kate is gone, Daniel uses his ghostly charm to get the appraiser to come back and finish his job. Her boss is a weirdo dickhead and Kate goes back to the inn. And she comes bearing gifts! Namely, a birth certificate for Daniel’s dead son. You ARE the father! Also, they are throwing a Christmas Eve dance at the inn. Daniel has missed having it there. “I’ve missed…so many things,” he says, leering at Kate. Why do I suddenly feel like calling the (incompetent) cops?

Daniel and the inn manager talk at the dance about how the manager (whose name is Walter I guess) should ask Molly out. He cuts in on her dance with some ridiculously young dude. Get it, Walter. But uh-oh, break yourselves, Lily and Charles are here to ruin everything! Daniel follows them to the porch to see what happens, and it’s a flashback to the night Daniel died. Turns out Charles was really driving for the hoop, with “the hoop” being Lily’s vagina, and Daniel being a terrible defender in the paint that gets steamrolled for the dunk, and this metaphor is extremely tortured. At any rate, Daniel figures out that his cousin Harry killed him with a rock after following him back to the inn from Montreal! And that Harry and Charles were in cahoots! And now Daniel is stuck here because Harry doesn’t want to go to hell! And Lily is a good guy! I really wish I cared about any of these characters!

Kate and Daniel are talking and she selfishly wants him to stay with her (for the 12 days a year he can) instead of going to heaven and spending eternity in peaceful paradise. He’s like, “durrr, okay,” and they kiss. Oh, for Christ’s sake. So they are kissing as the clock strikes midnight, but at 12:01 she is asleep on the couch and he is tucking her in? How many vases does this guy have to knock her ass out? Lily comes by and tells Daniel that he is free to leave now, and he can follow her through the invisible threshold to the kingdom of Jesus and unicorns (or whatever) if he wants.

The next morning, Walter and Molly have purchased the inn together. That was quick, even for a Lifetime movie. Daniel comes traipsing out of the woods and says he wants to be with Kate. Okay, so he’s still fucking dead, right? He’s just not trapped at the inn anymore? Will he age now, or just stay 30 and hot forever while Kate keeps marching down the passage of time? Thankfully, we don’t need to ponder these things, because the movie is over. Merry Christmas!

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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