Ho-Ho-Horrible Holiday Movie: Hallmark’s Dashing Through the Snow

Ashley has found a box of free puppies and talks to the “vendor,” who is a man in a leather jacket. Naturally, the FBI Dork in the car thinks this puppy has a balloon full of coke in its butt, or something. Because Ashley is The Worst, she doesn’t even ask Pavelka if it’s okay before she scoops up a puppy and takes it with her for her mom. Great, now he has to share a Ford Edge with a horrible woman AND an incontinent dog. Although Pavelka’s real character name is Dash, which is a dog name anyway.

Back in the now-fixed car. Ashley continues to be incapable of shutting up and demands to call Pavelka’s mom again. Mom tells Ashley that Pavelka was a war hero in Afghanistan, which must have been almost as unpleasant as a road trip with Ashley. We also see out the back window that FBI Dork is tailgating the SHIT out of them, which is about as inconspicuous as a drag queen in church.

You guys. You will never guess what’s going on. Hold on to your asses. It turns out Pavelka’s mom is…gasp…the FBI lady! Okay, not really, but that’s who they’ve been calling this whole time. Pavelka, you sneaky son of a bitch. If only they hadn’t spoiled that plot twist in the cable guide description of the movie. Stupid Hallmark.

Okay, I’ve been ignoring this “annoying teens work in a coffee shop” subplot long enough, but there are two annoying teen boys who work in a coffee shop somewhere, and one of them has a crush on someone named Bailey, and they’re gonna go on a ski trip, but he can’t get a ticket for his expired license plates or he’ll be grounded and can’t go. I have no fucking idea how this will play into the main plot, but there you have it.

Pavelka is staring meaningfully at Ashley while she plays with the puppy, then gives her his coat, despite the fact that she doesn’t seem cold and is already wearing a coat. Okay, Movie, we get it. He’s a gentleman. We cut to them in the car where Pavelka is apologizing for…some reason? Apparently he’s hangry? She takes a break from her knitting to offer him a snack, like, thanks, Grandma.

Okay, finally we get to the intersection of these two idiotic stories. The teen genius with expired plates decides to swap plates with the rental car, like yeah, that surely won’t result in any tickets, you dipshit. Why not just pay the registration fee with the money you earn at your job? The kid drives a brand-new Ford Edge and he can’t pay $100 to register it? FBI Dork loses track of Ashley’s car, and oh noes! Now that the plates are switched, how will they find it? Oh yeah, Pavelka is an FBI agent. Why the hell is FBI Dork even still here? Why was he ever here in the first place? There are so many questions in this paragraph.

Back on the road. This road trip is taking eons, considering that according to Google Maps you can get to Seattle from anywhere in Oregon in one day of driving. FBI Dork is alerted that Ashley’s car ran a red light in Eugene, so he takes off to find them. Except it’s the stupid teen, who can’t afford a ticket but can apparently afford to drive like an asshole and get caught with the wrong plates. I fear for our nation’s future, with these kids around.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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