Dashing Through the Snow might be everything you ever wanted in a film. But I hope not.
As we all know, December is a magical time where various female-oriented networks play terrible straight-to-television movies in an attempt to pander to loonies who are into this sort of thing. Hence, I am DVRing several of them to write recaps. Their master plan is clearly working. Let’s branch out (get it, like a Christmas tree branch? LOLOL I need therapy) from our typical Lifetime fare and watch a Hallmark movie presentation called Dashing Through the Snow!
A crafty bitch named Ashley (literally, she makes crafts that look suspiciously like the crap you can buy at Hobby Lobby) is being set up by a friend and is kind of nasty about a 35-year-old man who has never been married. “That’s the trouble, right there!” Okay, whatever, lady, you are clearly north of 35 and have supposedly never been married, so your hate is based on blatant sexism.
Ashley shows up at the airport to go home for Christmas with a giant festive gift box as her carry-on and proceeds to a self check-in kiosk. The kiosk tells her to “see ticket agent” and Ashley screeches that this delay will cause her to miss her flight. Lady, you should really consider showing up a bit earlier at the airport, instead of being such a fuckin’ martyr. She even asks the line if they’d let her cut ahead, and they give her the most amazing Christmas death glare I’ve ever seen. Ashley screeches at the airport staff that she needs to get home because her mother is expecting her; it’s Christmas; and she has blisters from knitting so much. Well, that’s clearly a real emergency! *ROLLS EYES SO HARD, YOU GUYS*
Anyway, she decides to rent a car, but there’s only one left. A smarmy guy who looks exactly like Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor butts up on the counter and says “I’ll take it.” Wow, what a dick. I’ll bet Ashley falls in love with him. Sure enough, they decide to share the rental car to get to their mutual destination of Seattle. Ashley makes Pavelka call his mom so she can talk to her and make sure he isn’t a douchebag. Even though he is clearly a douchebag. Mom asks about her and she says she’s 29 years old. BWA HA HA HA! Oh man, my sides, they are achin’. Not to be catty, but if she’s 29, I’m 14.
Later, the FBI is questioning the ticket agent about Ashley, who is apparently a hardened criminal. This may end up being a case of mistaken identity (her name is laughably common and the FBI has no pictures of her), but I would totally buy Ashley as a drug smuggler of some sort. She has the finicky temperament and bubbly irritation of someone whose income depends on properly-cooked meth. Also, she is a backseat driver who frequently hangs her entire upper body out the window like a dog, and sadly she seems to think this behavior is flirtatious. Also, she is singing out-of-tune with the radio in a convenience store. At the top of her lungs. She still seems to think she is successfully flirting. She will not stop talking. Wow. I thought Blossom in The Flight Before Christmas was annoying!
The rental car breaks down and Ashley decides to stop a car by showing off her leg…with opaque black tights on. Face, meet palm. They have to walk 8 miles to the nearest town on a picturesque path through the woods. Ashley tells Pavelka that she only dates men who believe in Santa Claus1, because it shows they are kind and generous2. TL; DR: Ashley is the worst. At the auto garage, she makes a phone call in some foreign (Slavic?) language. “Terrorist!!!” the nation’s Trump supporters scream in unison from their couches, their mouths full of ice cream sandwich. The FBI guy spying on her from a nearby car agrees.