5 Awesome Things from Nashville: Colt Bolts

Nashville (Screen: ABC)

Holiday family time getting you down? At least you’re not Luke and Colt

One of Scarlett and Gunnar’s shows is cancelled, giving their tour a free day in Charlotte. Scarlett schedules an impromptu one-night visit to Nashville so she can see her boyfriend, Dr. Caleb. Gunnar — who is intimidated by Scarlett’s recent songwriting spree — hunkers down in his hotel room to pen a ditty, but the creative juices just ain’t flowing. Sex buddy/sound tech Erin forces him to go out and have fun, and Gunnar loosens up enough to admit the source of his writer’s block is Scarlett. But SURPRISE – it isn’t her unrequited love that’s choking his flow.1 It’s the fact that she no longer inspires him as a “muse”. Is this because she cut her hair??

A week before Markus’s album release, the needy rocker decides to replace one of the tracks with a song TBD. He becomes suddenly fixated on Deacon’s discography and asks to record one of his unreleased demos. Just when Deacon is starting to actually like this obnoxious young man, Markus changes his lyrics during the recording. Producer Rayna is put in the awkward position of siding with Markus, which stokes boyfriend Deacon’s jealousy. Deacon tells Rayna that Markus is definitely into her, further implying that she’s somehow invited this unfortunate triangle. Dumb move, Deacon. You need to manage your infinite feels better.

Luke hopes a two week break from his own tour will give him a chance to make amends with Colt, but Gabriella uses their daddy/son time for yet another publicity op. Colt just wants to ditch his dad and hang with Maddie. Meanwhile, Maddie is being a super mean big sister2 to Daphne, who desperately wants to make a big impression during their first Highway 65 photo shoot. A publisher sets Will up with an interested musician; unfortunately, that artist turns out to be homophobic country star Wade Cole.3 Struggling single dad Avery can’t book a decent paying gig because everyone thinks he’s Mr. Juliette Barnes Moneybags, and he’s becoming a bit ornery. More about that as we review five awesome things from last week’s Nashville

Will finally sticks up for himself… for a minute Will has the opportunity to write lots of songs with Wade Cole (payday!) but can’t get past his gut feeling that Cole disapproves of his gayness. So he confronts the star. Go, Will! Cole is so full of shit, claiming he doesn’t have a problem with Will’s sexuality but has to play the part of an anti-gay crusader for his spouse’s “family values” foundation. Ah, blaming the wife – classic scumbag move. It doesn’t take much googling for Will to figure out that Cole is a very outspoken pawn in his wife’s game. Will is so close to telling Cole to shove it, but then crabby Avery lectures him about doing the unpleasant things you gotta do to make a buck. ARGH. Go cry with your baby, Avery, and stop giving your friend terrible advice! Alas, Will swallows his pride and takes Cole’s offer, which sucks. But I see a rebellion on the horizon.

Scarlett gets a clue about Caleb Speaking of a rebellion on the horizon, it’s high time Blondie dumps this elitist bore. I don’t blame Caleb for being too busy to properly romance her during their brief reunion. Nor do I blame Scarlett for being bummed about their not-very-fun night. Part of it is just bad timing. Part of it is that THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON, and that’s nobody’s fault. But again, he pulls that “I’m a very important cancer doctor and you’re just a flaky musician” crap. He immediately apologizes, but that doesn’t stop her from making lotsa saucer-eyed mopey faces.4 Looks like the end is nigh, huzzah!

Maddie eats crow Okay, so Daphne wants to look super cool for the photo shoot. Unfortunately, she’s developed some terrible fashion sense and can’t figure why her big sister disapproves of her latest pink and purple sparkly number.

Daphne – What’s wrong with this?
Maddie – Nothing, if you’re gonna be on the cover of a Kidz Bop CD.

Oof. True, but too harsh. So Daphne tries dressing like Maddie, which is even worse – she looks like my second grade classmates dressing as Madonna for Halloween 1984, except she’s twelve in 2015. Not a good look, but Maddie makes it so much worse by laughing in her face. Finally Daphne screams at Maddie, not just for the mean fashion tips but also for treating her like excess baggage. Maddie later apologizes for being a jerk and finds a gentler way to discourage her kid sister’s awful taste.

Markus’s Pathetic Home Wrecking Attempt Speaking of bad fashion sense, how about that “Oops, just got outta the shower” look Markus is sporting when Rayna comes by after her fight with Deacon? Oversized black hoodie, giant black beads, no shirt – on what planet is this sexy? I love that he also has pre-mixed drinks in hand as he launches into his concerns about her boyfriend’s bad attitude. Nothing calculated about this meeting! Rayna tells Markus straight up that Deacon’s her one-and-only. Of course he’s all, “Who, me? Boner? WHAAAA?” Rayna graciously pretends this is all her misunderstanding and leaves, but she knows just as well as Deacon that Markus was making a move… a very obvious, sloppy move.

Colt Bolts For a second, Luke and Colt enjoy their quality time, but then Gabriella’s photographers show up… and so does Colt’s pissy teenage attitude. Yeah! He embarrasses his bullshitty dad in front of everyone, then begins addressing him as “Luke” to his face. Oooh! Luke is such an amateur parent that he NEARLY PUNCHES his kid for doing this. That’s when Colt packs his bag and announces that he’s going to live with granddad, a.k.a. Luke’s ex-father-in-law. Way to twist that knife, Colt. Luke points out that grandpa is super strict. Colt says, “At least he stands for something, which is more than I can say for you, Dad.” Wow, remember when their big family problem was Colt making out with his future step-sister. Soap opera life be crazy!

  1. Also, she obvi requites. Show has clearly established Gunnar and Scarlett are meant to be, they’re just taking FOREVER to get there.  
  2. Because she is the WORST  
  3. a.k.a Broke Ass Billy Bob Thornton  
  4. Which are amplified by a billion now that her big hair is gone.  

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Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail: tara@whatelseison.tv
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