Ho-Ho-Horrible Holiday Movie: Lifetime’s The Flight Before Christmas

(Photo by: Lifetime)
(Photo by: Lifetime)

Is The Flight Before Christmas worth watching? Ho-ho-NO.

When I heard that Lifetime was making a movie called The Flight Before Christmas, starring Blossom and the parents from Family Matters, I immediately set my DVR. A film of this magnitude demands a recap in the style of live-tweeting. So please, ladies and gentlemen, grab a mug of eggnog (with plenty of rum in it), sit back, and “enjoy.”

We open in Los Angeles! Nothing says Christmas like palm trees and traffic. And, apparently, fountains, based on all the shots of them in the opening credits.

Blossom is being nagged by her Mrs. Costanza-esque mother about how she (Blossom) is moving in with her boyfriend Bryan instead of visiting her family. Blossom hangs up and talks to her friend about how she doesn’t care about getting married, OR about her potentially “waning fertility.” Great?

Some tall nerd enters a jewelry store and neurotically pooh-poohs all of the engagement rings that he feels forced to buy for his girlfriend. Got it, folks? Relationship expectations SUCK! And at CHRISTMAS, no less!

Blossom is packing when Bryan shows up. He is wearing a lavender hoodie and breaks up with poor Blossom. I don’t know which of these things is more upsetting.

Meanwhile, Tall Nerd is being badgered by his future fiancée about bringing a tie that will clash with her dress. I see where all this is going immediately!

Blossom looks up flights home for Christmas, but all that’s available is stuff over $1700. “My rent is less than that,” Blossom whines. God, I sure hope so, since you have roommates. She manages to find a fare on a “Super Last Minute Sale” popup, which is totally a thing that exists.

Santa is at the airport collecting alms for the poor, and his bucket is full of $20 bills. Yeah fuckin’ RIGHT.

Tall Nerd says a simple, polite “excuse me” to Blossom, who immediately berates him for having the balls to suggest that he is so important that he can cut in the line for flight check-in. Actually, he just wanted to get by you, you goddamn harpy. Not love at first sight, with these two.

A man who will clearly turn out to be Actually Santa Claus is bumbling around, which inspires Tall Nerd to give him his own first class seat. Why? And how will Tall Nerd possibly fit into the coach leg room? Anyway, this plot contrivance means he is now sitting next to Blossom, who has decided now is the perfect time to argue with Bryan on the phone. She then picks a fight with Tall Nerd, because she is the WORST.

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About Clare Snyder 140 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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