5 Awesome Things from Nashville: “What would Juliette do?”

Nashville (Screen: ABC)
Nashville (Screen: ABC)

“What would Juliette do?” has to be the most unholy WWJD ever uttered.After Juliette sleeps off whatever crazy cocktail shady doctor shot in her side, she takes a hard look in the mirror and flushes her painkillers down the toilet. Now sober, she realizes her concerns about Avery and Emily were dumb, and that her paid-for bestie Lindsay is an idiot. She texts Avery from her new number, which stops him from filing divorce papers.

Scarlett is in Natchez, MS, cleaning out late mother Beverly’s dismal apartment. At Rayna’s suggestion, Deacon joins her, then immediately launches into one of his “I can’t believe you pulled the plug” guilt trips.

Luke and Juliette’s tour stops in Atlanta. Will and Kevin drive down to see Mr. Wheeler perform one of their new songs. Gunnar tags along, and his friends are determined to help him get laid. They try setting him up with one of Juliette’s hot roadie chicks, but it all backfires when Gunnar gets tongue-tied and insists he isn’t gay, even though he and Will once kissed. Kevin is stunned. Comic relief!!

With Jeff in Atlanta, Layla frets about her solo meeting with Rayna (who has “thoughts” about the new album). Meanwhile, Rayna has just learned that Layla and Jeff are dating, and she has “thoughts” about that, too.

Luke invites Colt and Maddie to join him in Atlanta, but he’s too busy building his lifestyle brand with Gabrielle to notice the kids are trying to sex each other.

Markus shows up late for his first session with Avery, holds court with tech guys for hours, then freaks when Avery stops to make a personal call. When Avery gives Markus artistic advice he doesn’t wanna hear, the prima-donna rocker promptly fires him.

Maddie and Juliette reunite backstage at the Atlanta show. Maddie confides her yearnings to Jules — about wanting sex, wanting to perform, wanting to break free from Rayna, etc. — and even says, “Sometimes when I feel down or insecure or whatever, I think, ‘What would Juliette do to make herself feel better?'” And from that unholy interpretation of WWJD, a whole lotta drama unfolds. More of that and the other awesome things from last week’s Nashville

Scarlett vs. Deacon This week I found myself siding with some unusual characters. Example: I’ve never felt more anti-Deacon or pro-Scarlett. That moment when Blondie is sorting Bev’s stuff into “keep”, “donate” and “throw away” piles, and Deacon peevishly moves a knick knack from donate to keep – seriously, screw you, Deacon. You are NO HELP AT ALL on top of being a spiteful bastard. Scarlett loses patience pretty quickly, gets wasted at a bar, rubs it in Deacon’s face that she’s allowed to get drunk because she isn’t an alcoholic like some people1, and later screams at him for being selfish and judgmental. Since she’s absolutely right, Deacon apologizes. Finally! Now I can go back to loving him. Scarlett, you never looked better.

Dumping Jeff vs. Not Dumping Jeff A.K.A. “I hate Jeff, but…” Layla bristles at every bit of Rayna’s artistic advice, insisting she and Jeff love the album as is. Rayna addresses their personal relationship. Layla (rightly) hints it’s none of her beeswax. But as Rayna notes, it kinda IS her beeswax, given that she’s seen Jeff destroy so many artists. Layla eventually admits that she knows he can be a dick, but he has shown her kindness and she can’t help loving him. Rayna realizes THIS is the song the album needs and they get to work on writing it. Ray reassures Layla her Highway 65 deal is safe, noting, “If I didn’t work with people who had complicated lives, there wouldn’t be anyone to make music with.” And let’s be honest, Layla was boring as hell before she became an unwitting beard wife and then some jackhole’s girlfriend. Milk that angst, girl!2

Juliette vs. Everyone Juliette “helps” Maddie by inviting her onstage to sing a duet in front of 20,000 people. Luke correctly predicts Rayna will hate this and calls Jules out for being inappropriate, shouting, “Don’t go trying to play ‘cool mom’ with somebody else’s kid just because you’ve abandoned your own.” Ooh, damn! Score one for Luke. When does that ever happen?

Later, when Jules learns moron Lindsay didn’t mention baby Cadence’s trip to the hospital, this exchange ensues:

Juliette: Are you the stupidest person alive?3 My child was sick.
Lindsay: You’ve, like, literally never even told me her name.

Oh, shit. Moron has a point. Jules fires her anyway,4 fetches her private jet and heads straight back to Nashville. She tries to make nice with Avery, but it’s too late. He still wants a divorce. And much as I love this deeply wounded woman, I gotta admit that’s his best choice.

Will vs. Kevin While watching Luke debut their new song (ka-ching!), Kevin says to Will, “This is as good as it gets, right?!” Maybe that’s true for someone who’s strictly a songwriter, but Will obviously misses performing. When he later admits to Kevin that he hated watching Luke sing their song, Kevin gets really defensive – which is weird, because he’s usually the voice of reason. Obviously, Will needs to tell Luke to kick rocks5 and sign with Highway 65. Hopefully Kevin will get over his ego between now and then. He’s so sweet and cute!

The Exception: Rayna vs. Maddie I am team Rayna, as ever. Maddie – you’re a brat. How dumb of you to envy Juliette for being legally emancipated at age 16. Juliette grew up in a trailer park with a criminally neglectful, addict mom! You grew up in a mansion with the best mom ever!!

So when Maddie gets in trouble, and tries telling Rayna she’s just jealous because Jules is cooler, Mom yells, “If you think that’s cool, then we have much bigger problems than you getting up on that stage tonight.” Yes, EXACTLY, like the fact that Maddie is now sexually active and probably not using protection. Looking forward to the teen pregnancy episode!

  1. Ooh, that must’ve felt good!  
  2. More incoming! Looks like Jeff is gonna dump her so he can prove his cutthroat business sense to Gabrielle and run Luke’s douchey lifestyle brand. Ick, ick, ick.  
  3. Yes, but…  
  4. As well as hot roadie girl, who hitches a ride back to Nashville on Gunnar’s lap/face  
  5. After all, dude canned him for coming out.  

A Brief Word From Our Sponsors:

Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail: tara@whatelseison.tv
Contact: Twitter