UnREAL Talk: Suitor Dong

(L to R) Ashley Scott (“Mary”) and Breeda Wool (“Faith”) dance with each other on Lifetime's UnREAL
UnREAL (Photo: James Dittiger / Lifetime)

Is UnREAL trashy enough to exploit a dead father? You bet your bikini-clad ass!

Rachel is broke. And her ex-roommates are super pissed about it! Rachel is blackmailed to hand over the money owed for rent or an incriminating email meant for Cameraman Jeremy will be released to the entire crew. This better be a damn good email.

Rachel and Adam shower together. Okay, can we talk about this? Holy shit. So Adam decides to strip naked and take a shower in front of Rachel, and her response is to hop in the shower with him. Not because of any sexual attraction, but because she has such stank body odor that she wants to take a shower herself. What?! She couldn’t have waited five minutes for him to finish his shower first? She couldn’t have stood on the opposite side of the shower from him instead of right up next to him? Why is Adam sticking his ass out so much? Seriously, he is tooching (tm Tyra Banks) so hard he might sprain his lower back. This entire scene is almost as ridiculous as the Bollywood number from Smash.

Quinn and Chet. Turns out Chet’s wife is pregnant! I haven’t seen this “old and dried up” of a woman get accidentally pregnant on television in a long time. The odds of this happening in real life might be a fraction of a percent, but by God, Chet ain’t shooting blanks up in here. Despite his raging cocaine addiction. This might be a little too UnREAL, even for this show.

The suitorettes. Thanks to producer intervention, one of our African-American contestants  is now playing a significantly more ghetto hoodrat! Now that is great television (according to Quinn)! Accusing baffled, hapless white people of racism has been a reality TV staple since Omarosa graced our screens on the original Apprentice. Faith, the target of the racism accusations, continues to be a delight as she earnestly reassures us that she has many black friends. I hope Faith makes it to the final three. Meanwhile, they try to make Pepper the kindergarten teacher look like some sort of tramp. It almost works!

Anna the “villain.” With Britney’s abrupt departure last week, we need a new villain! And there is a $5,000 reward for whichever producer can find one! Rachel’s money troubles make her desperate enough to edit together the rage-y footage to make Anna look like a psycho bitch. Oh dear. Once again we are expected to cheer for a woman who is too proud to ask her parents for money, but corrupt enough to make a grieving woman look horrible on national television. Also, it’s too late: Rachel’s email is sent out before she can get her cash bonus into her former roommate’s hands. Oops.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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