UnREAL: We Gotta Talk, Y’all

(L to R) Shiri Appleby (“Rachel”), Josh Kelly (“Jeremy”), Freddie Stroma (“Adam”) and Breeda Wool (“Faith”) star in Lifetime’s all-new drama UnREAL premiering, Monday, June 1 at 10pm ET/PT on Lifetime.
UnREAL (Photo: James Dittiger / Lifetime)

UnREAL gives ‘em something to talk about. How about “love?”

Having seen the first episode of the new Lifetime series UnREAL, I struggled with how to write about it on this site. There was no shortage of things to say; I just didn’t know how I was going to say it. So here is a list of all the awesome shit that is worth talking about with the pilot episode. Think of it as extended Tweeting, with fewer hashtags and (slightly) more insight.

The premise. It is a scripted show about the making of an ostensibly-unscripted reality dating show (called Everlasting, but really The Bachelor, let’s be honest. They even have a similar mansion). Directors are directing actors playing producers for a reality show that relies upon viewers’ ignorance of the degree of the show’s production. I have a goddamn headache already and this just started.

Token black contestants. We just saw Kupah on The Bachelorette pitch a bizarre shitfit about not wanting to be a token black contestant, which…why did you sign up for that show? That show is whiter than a CGI polar bear dancing to Taylor Swift. As Everlasting executive producer and overblown ballbuster Quinn says, “it’s not my fault America’s racist, people!”

The ladies. “Villainess” Britney earns her edit by making fun of “innocent” Faith’s giant bush while they are all peeing on the lawn. Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, I regret writing that. Sadly, Faith is too flummoxed to point out that Britney is staring at Faith’s bush while she is peeing on the lawn, which is a sin greater than being owner of said bush. Other girls of note include the slutty vaguely-ethnic one (every show’s got one!) and the “desperate MILF” who is in fact ten times more beautiful than any other woman there, and is smart enough to not drink alcohol on camera. Like on The Bachelor, these women are cast to fill specific roles, and by God, the producers are going to get the sound bites they need to haphazardly edit whatever story they want to tell.

Prince Charming, aka Adam. This guy’s transparent disinterest in finding a wife is matched only by his smarm. This makes him extremely true to the grand traditions of televised dating show leads. Also, despite his not being royalty, the fact that he is British means all the women think he lives at Buckingham Palace. Adam wins points from me when he goes rogue and chooses Bushy McHugebush Faith to stay over bitchy Britney. Quinn is not amused. Speaking of which…

Quinn. Besides being a ballbuster as previously stated, she is completely cynical about the fairytale of true love. Although she is sleeping with her boss, who is married, and hopes he will leave his wife. Now who’s naïve?

Rachel the producer. I have not seen a protagonist so sociopathic since Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell. One second she is acting conflicted about having to manipulate these simple-minded attention whores who are competing for Prince Charming; the next she is gleefully prodding a heartbroken villainess to talk about her horrible childhood and why she doesn’t deserve love.

To sum up, if you enjoy The Bachelor/ette, for whatever reason, you need to be watching this deliciously trashy program. Or, if you have been missing rooting for a sociopath since Saved by the Bell went off the air. Seriously. We’re supposed to root for Rachel?

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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