The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Women Tell All

This week on The Bachelor, the women tell all! Actually, they just won’t shut up.

Time for the most horrifying episode of the year: the women tell all! It might just be the drunkest episode of the season, if you include the viewing parties. My personal favorite part of this episode, though, is always the studio audience. What a bunch of losers, bless their hearts. (HashtagIowaNice) So what are the rules of NOT looking like a psycho or a tool on Women Tell All?

Don’t think you’re fooling anyone when you “surprise”-ambush The Bachelor viewing parties. There are cameras in the house already, so obviously you didn’t just pop in unexpectedly. Also, ladies (and occasional closeted gentlemen), try to keep your wits about you, booze-wise. You look like a bunch of drunken sluts, bless your hearts. (HashtagTruthBomb)

Do assume that all the other women are talking shit about you behind your back. Then you won’t be so shocked when you watch the season and see all the shit-talking, Britt. It is amazing, though, that zero of these women came across well in the entire, lengthy argument.

Don’t talk about Jillian’s (hypothetical?) dick, because she is NOT amused, gang. And she can murder all of you with her bare hands at the same time.

Do occasionally use the word “um” or “like,” especially if you’re Kelsey and women constantly accuse you of sounding scripted and fake. No crutch words? Jesus, no wonder people think you’re so pretentious.

Don’t do drugs, Ashley S. Any more, anyway.

Do recognize when you have an interesting subject, and when you don’t. Instead of a fascinating segment with Jade in the hot seat where the women ask her “how DARE YOU do nude modeling?” we were subjected to a boring recap of Jade’s boring “relationship” with Chris. Yawn.

Do know when to break off a hug, Britt. It’s not cute to death-grip a man past the point of rationality.

Don’t expect Chris to be articulate, or even particularly kind. He reminds me of Peaked in High School Rob Lowe, who has cable.

Do assume that Chris Harrison had a ghostwriter for his recently-published book that shall not be named. I mean, really? Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel? Gag.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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