The Bachelor spends an enchanting week in Iowa before moving on to hometowns. Wheeeeeeeee.
Two episodes of The Bachelor this week! God help us all. We start back in Deadwood, where we get rid of dead weight Megan (the one who couldn’t tell the difference between Mexico and New Mexico). They head to Des Moines, Iowa, for a thrilling week of Des Moines-related televised dating. Jade gets a one-on-one in Arlington, Chris’s hometown, making all the other women terribly jealous. Whitney gets a one-on-one in Des Moines. Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn get a group date where they go ice skating and “play hockey,” i.e. fall on their asses. Kaitlyn gets the date rose and Britt freaks out. During her rant there is a siren hilariously blaring in the background, as if someone had literally “called the wah-mbulance.” And that’s where we end Sunday’s episode. Cliffhangers are getting really old on this show.
We start Monday with Becca’s one-on-one in Des Moines, which takes literally a few minutes. Finally, the rose ceremony, where Britt and Carly are sent home for their insolence. Then hometowns! Becca’s day in Shreveport dances around the subject of her virginity, but Chris still doesn’t know. Whitney takes Chris to Chicago and shows him around the fertility clinic, which is actually fascinating, especially when Whitney shows Chris the “jerk-off room.” Kaitlyn has a date in Phoenix (even though she is Canadian…long story). Jade’s hometown in Nebraska brings us, at long last, the reveal of her Playboy past. One rule of the rose: make sure your hotel has decent wifi for Googling your nude pics. What are the other rules?
Do feign extreme excitement at going to Iowa. Act as if he’d said “you’re going to Disneyland and Paris and Las Vegas all rolled into one!” Don’t get me wrong, Iowa is fine (I have lived here for 9 years and am still alive), but it’s no Thailand/Italy/other exotic foreign destination.
Don’t complain about taking a three-hour car ride alone to your semi-boyfriend’s corny-ass town. Yes, it is like three hours away from Des Moines. They couldn’t have sprung for a Cessna or something? Jade is a real trooper.
Do embrace the raw excitement of an Iowa road trip! Britt, Kaitlyn, Becca and Carly go on a secret trip to Arlington during Chris and Whitney’s one-on-one, to see what they’d be getting into if they lived there. They are simply shocked that it is, GASP, a small town!
Do be a Bears fan. Iowa doesn’t have a pro football team, so people tend to choose Vikings, Packers, or Bears, but Whitney liking the Bears seems to be acceptable for Chris and his friends. He must not be a Packers fan.
Don’t blow your time with the Bachelor by talking shit about other girls. Carly snitched on Britt’s hatred of Arlington and it didn’t benefit her. Or Britt, for that matter, but still.
Don’t let your family tell the Bachelor that you aren’t an “intimate person.” The Bachelor will assume that means “you’re not getting blowjobs, brah.” Which might be the case with Becca, actually.
Don’t make Chris go through with giving a semen sample at your fertility clinic. Whitney wisely decides to abort mission, pun totally intended, after hilariously freaking Chris out.
Do accumulate some street credits before you try to write/record a rap song. Chris is a farmer from Iowa and raps like one. Thankfully, Kaitlyn spits ill shit on the fuckin’ daily, so the finished product is not as horrible as it could have been. (Still pretty horrible, though.)
Don’t make your semi-boyfriend get a semi-erection on national television while watching your fully-nude videos and photos on the internet, Jade.
Jade doesn’t receive a rose – apparently Chris didn’t want to take that “free spirit” into the fantasy suite. What a lunatic. Speaking of fantasy suites, we will see what happens next week when we have a professional baby-maker, a virgin, and a total bro-chick hook up with Chris in Bali…