Thank goodness our penultimate episode wasn’t a two-hour slog. Commence bonus best-of clip show!
Remember When This Show Was Way Better?
With just three players remaining after last week’s Team Infinity massacre, Trump’s gonna fire someone from Vortex and announce the final two competitors. And since there’s no way in hell we’re sitting though a two-hour episode now,1 let’s spend the first half of tonight’s show reminiscing with Uncle The Donald about his favorite moments from seven seasons of Celebrity Apprentice. Commence best-of clip extravaganza!
Although there were several runners-up in each category,2 I’ll just focus on the winners.
Top Feuds Season 1’s Piers Morgan and Omarosa win for most mutually hated guts.
Favorite Fails Season 6’s Gary Busey wins for freestyling a frightening dog character… for a refrigerator commercial?
Top Fundraisers Season 4’s Marlee Matlin and John Rich raised over $1.6 million during a single task. Trump let the two project managers split the money between their charities, which benefitted hearing impaired people and children with cancer. ::sniffle:: Ah, those were the good old days.
Boardroom Backstabs and Betrayals Piers and Omarosa win again because she insulted his parenting abilities and that makes Mr Blubbering Blowhard veh-wy, veh-wy upset!
Most Memorable Firings Season 2’s Melissa Rivers not only threw a tantrum on the way out, but somehow got lost between the boardroom and the war room. Mom/fellow contestant Joan joined her in a dramatic walk off, as Amanda the Receptionist observed with placid indifference (like always).3
Who will join Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers, Brett Michaels, John Rich, Arsenio Hall and Trace Adkins as the next honorary fake assistant to Mr. Trump?
Following their win, Leeza Gibbons, Geraldo Rivera and Vivica Fox are dying to know which Infinity teammate was fired. Trump summons them back to the boardroom, announces Infinity’s demise, congratulates them for being the final three, then says he’s firing one of them immediately. Though Vivica reaffirms her desire to be the Celebrity Apprentice, Geraldo and Leeza identify each other as the toughest competition. Once Vivica admits that Leeza is a better competitor than herself4, the jig is up. Trump fires Vivica. Leeza and Geraldo are the final two.
Trump sends his finalists to Universal Orlando for their last challenge. Teaming up with former contestants, each group will create an ad for the Universal theme parks and resorts. They’ll also sell ten vacation packages to their richest friends, and invite all their famous pals to a red carpet screening of their ads. Each finalist will be judged not only by the amount of money they raise, but also by the quality of their ad and presentation.
Once in Orlando, the finalists meet their new teams. Leeza reunites with old pals Brandi Glanville and Johnny Damon, as well as long gone Nick Jonas. Geraldo inherits his old nemeses Ian Ziering and Lorenzo Lamas, as well as a clearly-over-it Vivica.5
Fitting with the theme of her charity — which serves families of Alzheimers patients — Leeza’s theme is “the magic of memories”. She lines up Olivia Newton John to sing “Magic”6 at the red carpet event and also wrangles some big money donations. Kevin develops an ad concept about a micromanaging dad who learns to cut loose with his family. Planning/scouting/writing goes well, except that Johnny and Brandi are too busy sneaking off for hot dogs, beer and roller coaster rides to be any help. This irks Kevin, but Leeza isn’t worried. Their creative genius is not missed.
Geraldo buries the hatchet with Ian and graciously asks Lorenzo to be his ad director. Based on tips from some Universal execs, they work around “discover your inner hero” as a theme. This allows Geraldo to dress as Harry Potter, so he’s happy. He spends most of the prep day making donation calls while his helpers plan the ad. But when it’s time to shoot, Geraldo completely changes the script. This leads to a snafu involving some MIA child actors, which is totally Geraldo’s fault (because he didn’t follow the schedule), but naturally he blames everyone else.
Will Brandi and Johnny step up their game? Will Geraldo’s Fox News friends pony up enough cash to compensate for his void of talent? All will be revealed next week!
The More You Know
So, what did we learn in this episode of the Celebrity Apprentice?
- Kevin Jonas is that overachieving group project martyr who whines about his lot, but you don’t feel one bit bad for him.
- Brandi and Johnny are the good-looking popular kids who are like, “Thanks, Kevin!” right before they sneak off to go make out behind a roller coaster (presumably).7
- When Geraldo remembers that he needs talent for the red carpet event, he jumps from “Maybe Josh Groban will do it for free,” to, “We should probably sing, instead.” I don’t think Geraldo’s in this for the charity $$ or media exposure. I think he’s in it for the musical theater potential
- Vivica is understandably pissed at Geraldo for ruining the shoot they’d planned. We then cut to Lorenzo impersonating her grousing as “generic angry black woman”, complete with swiveling head and wagging finger. ICK. But that can’t be racist, because Lorenzo loves Vivica. Therefore, he has a black friend.
- Leeza’s charity, Leeza’s Care Connnection, supports families caring for patients with Alzheimer’s (a disease that killed both her mother and grandmother). In this case, I don’t think her eponymous foundation is shady. She seems like a genuinely kind, positive, benevolent lady. And if Trump doesn’t choose her over Geraldo, I will have a screaming fit.
- Thank Jeebus for this season’s abridged episodes! ↵
- with ample representation from this season because it was SO DARN GOOD, right… RIGHT?! ↵
- This woman doesn’t age. I think she’s cryogenically frozen between seasons. ↵
- This refreshing contrast to Geraldo’s relentless bombast = why I like Vivica. ↵
- Haha! Good to know Trump also wants Geraldo to lose. ↵
- Yeesssss ↵
- And now that they’ve discussed the perfect method for microwaving a hotdog, I’m pretty sure they’re soulmates. ↵
- The final? ↵