The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: Santa Meh

Chris and Britt get ready to go up, up and away in a beautiful balloooooooon on the Bachelor.
The Bachelor (Photo: Lewis Jacobs / ABC)

The Bachelor takes on Santa Fe. A nation shrugs with excitement.

Chris’s Hoes (get it? Because FARMING) arrive in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and are extremely excited to be in such a “romantic” city. I’m sure it’s lovely, but it’s not exactly famous for extreme romance, so whatever. Carly gets the first one-on-one, which is some sort of fucked-up pornographic therapy session with a ridiculously tan love guru. Later in the date, Carly bemoans her ex not wanting to touch her, and I’m like “girl, do not SAY that out LOUD,” but she cannot hear me, so oh well. She gets a rose, anyway! The group date involves whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande. Unfortunately, nobody drowns, although Jade falls overboard for a split second. Jordan (who? Oh yeah, that drunk chick) comes back for a hot second before Chris sends her booze-stankin’ ass home yet again. Whitney, one of the few who didn’t spend the entire group date bashing Jordan, gets the rose that night. Virgin Ashley uses her trademark hyperbole to shit-talk Whitney to everyone else. Ashley might want to check herself before she wrecks herself, because she is extremely immature and wearing a skirt so short that her asscheeks are nearly hanging out.

Chris wakes Britt up for their one-on-one date and marvels at how beautiful she looks first thing in the morning, without being “all dolled up.” She is wearing a face full of makeup, you guys. She sleeps in it. Chris is stupid. Britt is terrified of heights but calms down when she sees that she will be riding in a hot air balloon instead of jumping off one. Kelsey pulls Chris aside to tell him the story of how her husband died while walking to work. It’s a really amazing, tragic story. Just ask her. She loves it. First rule of The Bachelor: have a sad background. What are the other rules?

Do know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico, for the love of God. Incredible. Simply incredible. One of the interchangeable blonde bimbos whose names I don’t know (Megan? Maybe?) couldn’t figure it out.

Don’t be “terrified of physical intimacy” like Carly. Seriously? Terrified? Although it is extremely awkward to strip down with a man while a creepy, bangs-having woman is narrating your every move. Maybe she is right to be terrified.

Do get just hypothermic enough after falling in a river to monopolize the Bachelor’s time for a little while. Take those lemons and make lemonade, Jade! Naturally, the other women get jealous of Jade’s temperature-regulation difficulties and Chris’s attention to it, because they are horrible people.

Don’t talk about Jordan if you don’t want to. Almost all the women on the group date tell Chris “I don’t want to talk about Jordan.” Then DON’T, you simpletons!

Do recognize that whatever you fear most will almost certainly come into play on a one-on-one date. This is often done to “test” you to see if you are marriage material, so you’d better pass, like Britt does with her fear of heights.

Don’t shower. Britt doesn’t, and she gets a rose! Although she must take baths or something, because she is pretty clean. I don’t understand why the women keep saying she never showers. She bathes SOMEHOW.

Do STFU, Kelsey, you awful, awful woman. Way to exploit your husband’s sudden death under the misguided assumption that it makes your “love story” with Chris compelling television.

Don’t go on this show if you don’t have a terrible life story to tell. All the immature bitches have one! The even more immature bitches are jealous of the bitches who have one!

Kelsey decides she hasn’t gotten enough attention this episode and collapses on the floor whining, and she is being attended to by a (likely vastly underpaid) medic. No rose ceremony tonight. It shall be continued next week. UGH.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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