Celebrity Apprentice: Hooters Girls and Golf Balls

Celebrity Apprentice (Screen: NBC Universal)

Another week chock full of female empowerment on Celebrity Apprentice. Sigh.

Captain Crab Meets the Hooters Girls

Trump and his creepy, lifeless sons ask each team to host a thematically unique booze cruise of the New York City harbor. The winner will be determined by random peeps off the street who embark on bizarre tourist trap boat tours. Brandi Glanville steps up again as Team Infinity’s Project Manager. Sig Hansen the crab boat captain finally feels comfortable leading Vortex; apparently Trump would’ve fired him on the spot if he hadn’t, but no pressure Sig!

Geraldo Rivera starts pitching his typical batch of shitty ideas to Vortex, including an oral military history of NYC from the Revolutionary War to the present. Frenemies Kate Gosselin and Vivica Fox share an “Oh, hell no” glance, right before Kate steers him away from that plan. They settle on a new theme, “The Sexiest Catch.” The guys determine “sexy” = Hooters girls. The end. Kate and Vivica remain skeptical, but play along. Planning goes okay, except when Sig becomes psychotically enraged after the bartenders show up late.

Meanwhile, Team Infinity struggles with a concept. Anti-Brandi teammates Ian Ziering and Kenya Moore work up a Mardi Gras theme. Brandi thinks it’s weird to focus on New Orleans in a New York tour. When Johnny Damon later echoes that sentiment, she ditches the idea at the last minute. Leeza Gibbons comes up with “Big Apple Bonanza”, which is vague enough to mean any damn thing they want. The team moves forward grudgingly.

At showtime, both teams feel like their boat parties are rockin’. Vortex hits a snag when Geraldo’s rather unsexy tour monologue turns into a hawkish 9/11 memorial. Things get a little too saucy over on S.S. Infinity when Kenya’s performance of her song “I’m Fabulous”1 dissolves into raunchy pelvic grinding.

In the boardroom, Trump spends a weird amount of time talking to Sig about his charity, the U.S. Coast Guard.2 Sig and Geraldo are confident in their team, though Kate wonders if the Hooters girls alienated the many wives who were present. Brandi is upbeat about her whole team (even Kenya), though Ian mentions the abrupt concept switch. While many guests were turned off by Kenya’s performance, even more were disgusted with Hooters girls and Geraldo’s politics. Infinity wins $50K for Brandi’s charity, the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Though Geraldo adores Sig, both Kate and Vivica respectfully state that Captain Crab oughta be canned. And that’s exactly what Trump decides, but he also donates $25K to the Coast Guard. Surprise!

Fore! Charity

With Vortex down to three players, Trump switches Kenya over to their side. Then he gives both teams their new assignment – create an interactive display promoting the new Trump National Doral golf resort in Miami. Kate takes the lead for Vortex while Ian manages Infinity.

Geraldo suggests Vortex build a concept around the Doral’s toughest course, the Blue Monster. Believe it or not, this is probably his best idea so far. They also work up a model set promoting different resort features. Kate asks Vivica and Kenya to go shopping for props to build their display. Self-proclaimed Luxury Expert Kenya is offended to be given such menial work. She spends the entire shopping trip bugging Kate with tattle tale texts about Vivica’s poor time management.

Ian is astronomically pumped about 1) his obscure charity and 2) his own creativity. As usual, no one understands any of his ideas. Somehow, the on-site set designers make sense of his tangled vision and Infinity’s model resort comes together. Ian gets control freaky over certain details, like when Brandi messes with one of his signs. But he’s more upset with Johnny for failing to to bring in the golf pro he promised.

On presentation day, Kenya thinks her team’s display looks crappy and it doesn’t take a Luxury Expert to see she’s right. Still, the Trump sons and the resort exec dig the Blue Monster mascot Vortex designed for the kids’ corner. The suits enjoy Infinity’s classier display but scoff at Ian for not knowing the exact square footage of the Doral’s grand ballroom. Brandi knows, which saves the day!3.

Vortex’s interpersonal drama crops up in the boardroom, even before Trump announces that Infinity trounced them again. While Ian and his crew celebrate their win, the ladies of Team Vortex quickly tear into each other. Though Kate says Kenya and Vivica’s “girl drama” got in the way — leading to much catty, unintelligible bickering between those two — Trump ultimately holds her accountable for the crappy set design. Kate is fired.

The More You Know

So, what did we learn in this episode of the Celebrity Apprentice?

  • Kate knows exactly how to handle Geraldo and his bad ideas. After all, you can’t just tell a narcissist “no.” “Geraldo has to be approached with reasons why that is not a good idea, and they have to be sound, true, non-exaggerated and delivered very calmly.” This is why I still like this dumb show. Like any workplace, it’s all about negotiating with annoying personalities. Didya hear that, Kevin Jonas?
  • Kate knows how to NOT talk to customers on a booze cruise, hence her quote of the day – “When Geraldo yelled, ‘Screw the terrorists!’, that was an ‘Oh, crap’ moment.” Go figure, she gets fired just when I’m starting to like her.
  • Geraldo wants to set sail with Sig and be his partner. He said so twice.
  • After the boat tour win, everyone on Infinity sees Geraldo is the kiss of death. Too bad Vortex hasn’t figured it out.
  • Ian thinks that his charity work for the Epidermolysis Bullosa Medical Research Foundation will put him “one seat closer to God.”
  • The following are fair game topics in the boardroom – Were the Hooters girls hot or just okay? Does Vivica think Kenya is attractive or beautiful? Has Vivica had plastic surgery? Are Kenya’s boobs fake or real? THAT’S RIGHT LADIES JUST LEAN IN! CORPORATE AMERICA HERE WE COME!!

Next week on the Celebrity Apprentice: Vivica says Kenya stole her phone, which will lead to the MOST INCREDIBLE MOMENT IN UNSCRIPTED TV HISTORY

  1. I assume that’s the title, cuz she repeated it five times in twenty seconds – not looking it up  
  2. Hint  
  3. And nearly makes Ian’s head explode, which made my day  

A Brief Word From Our Sponsors:

Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail: tara@whatelseison.tv
Contact: Twitter