The Bachelor Rules of the Rose: VirginGate 2015

Ugh, the mud mounds are THE WORST. So is the Bachelor.
The Bachelor (Photo: David Moir / ABC)

The moral of The Bachelor just might be, no one cares unless you do and then you get a rose anyway.

Disclaimer: Part of this fun, er sort of, filled episode was pre-empted by a blizzard update. The verdict, it’s not quite as bad as when my earlier shows were preempted.  The blizzard, not The Bachelor

This week on The Bachelor the women face the prospect of two group dates and two one-on-one dates decided upon by Chris’s three visiting sisters.  One sister all the way from Ireland.  That shocks some of the women who couldn’t bear to believe there are actually planes that travel all the way to Los Angeles. No, they’re not That oblivious, but it’s close.

The theme of the first group date is to keep it natural, proceeded by a full on freak out by the women, figuring out how little makeup they can get away with and still be natural.  Chris wants to see how they react to being outdoors, at the lake. While the other girls giggle thrift drinks and a game of Red Rover, Kelsey, from Michigan, calls this lake a ‘dingy hell hole.’ It does look less than lush. Lucky for her, they’re camping out. And she’s conveniently stung by a bee in a very personal area during an interview. #winning.

Shy skin care entrepreneur and model, Jade, earns the first one-on-one date from the sisters. Everyone’s uber jealous as her Cinderella-themed date includes a fairytale gown and midnight curfew. Then there’s a group mud run in wedding dresses and an unfortunately early departure from a one-on-one date from…Ok I don’t even remember her name.

The big story is not one, but two virgins on the show. One is Becca and the other is Ashley I who talks way too much about it and tries to tell The Bachelor so many times without actually saying the words, and instead just making out with him, that when she finally does he’s actually surprised, to say the least. Don’t wait, is the first Rule of the Rose, the others are:

Do like hanging out at the lake. Mackenzie (they showed her name, I didn’t remember it) says it’s her favorite place fine at home.

Don’t have dignity or self respect, if it’s topless lake diving time, go forth unafraid.

Do be awake. Jillian apparently took a little snooze outside by the pool, complete with snoring sound effects. When Chris’s sisters arrive she has to be shaken awake and then can’t find a towel to cover a bikini that even the network has use shield viewers from.

Don’t put on clothes. When the women find out they’ll be camping and have to, ahem, pitch a tent, The Bachelor goes to put on a shirt while everyone else is building their campsite in teeny tiny bikinis.

Do have your own organic skin care line and be just a little bit shy, you may just find yourself with a fairytale date, huh Jade.

Don’t be the crazy one, Ashley S, again. She’s in love, already. He looks mortified, already.

Do sneak into The Bachelor’s tent at night, but don’t try to tell him anything important while he’s half asleep. He won’t get it, and then you have to tell him you’re a virgin directly, again.

Don’t breakout your princess dress, a Ashley I, you DIDN’T get the princess date. You just didn’t, we’re sorry.

Do let super athletic Jillian win the mud run you’re undertaking in a wedding dress.  Have you not watched The Bachelor, he loves to help the women who are continuously trying and failing.  Don’t fret, he’ll be there in a second.

Do know it’s ok if you’re a virgin, you’ll still get a rose…for now.

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About Sandra Smith 98 Articles
Sandra Smith is a graduate of Northwestern and Syracuse Universities where she wrote and studied and wrote. She currently earns her keep working on a variety of your favorite reality shows for HGTV, TLC, Discovery Channel, MTV and FUSE and dreaming of creating the next Law & Order. E-mail: sandra@whatelseison.tv
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