In this week’s Celebrity Apprentice we learn what Ian and Johnny are really thinking when Kenya and Brandi spar.
These Shoes Were Made for Selling
Trump, Ivanka and the teams gather at a Nordstrom’s store to announce their next challenge. In another awkward “this is old footage” moment,1 they introduce guest judge/former celebrity apprentice/dead person Joan Rivers. The celebtestants must present Ivanka’s Power Up shoe line in a mobile store. Kenya Moore is Team Infinity’s project manager while Vivica Fox reluctantly leads Vortex (because apparently this is woman’s work, and Shawn Johnson — who’s never been a PM — is too chicken to step up).
Kenya wants to recreate the Nordstrom’s experience by installing a baby grand piano and chandelier.2 She also dreams up the slogan, “Power Up Your Sole”. Leeza Gibbons worries this fuzzy concept doesn’t properly target a millennial audience, but plays along anyway. Kenya has Ian Ziering photograph all 100 pairs of shoes and upload the pics to tablets; this is a good use of his spazzy energy. As usual, Brandi thinks Kenya’s doing a bad job but still works her butt off to get the win.
Meanwhile, Shawn pitches a luxury lounge idea to Team Vortex and Geraldo Rivera suggests adding baristas. Truly, free coffee would get me to look at shoes I can’t afford. He also composes another endless slogan based on the Ivanka “I” – I am busy, I am sexy, I am a bitch, I am a mother, I am a child, I am a lover, etc. All goes swimmingly until Vivica and Geraldo see the small space they’re using. She axes Shawn’s concept (but keeps the cafe), making both Shawn and Kate Gosselin furious.
The judges love both teams’ stores. In the Boardroom, Trump says everyone did well. The teams are pleased with their leaders, though Leeza questions Kenya’s concept. Vivica notes that Shawn and Kate lost their energy when dealt changes. This time, Ivanka picks the winner. Although Vortex did a better job with branding, Infinity presented a better slogan and a more creative, shoe-focused show. Kenya wins cash for Detroit Public Schools!3
Vivica picks Shawn and Kate to come back to the boardroom. Both claim Vivica ruined everything by straying from Shawn’s concept. But if Shawn’s ideas were so great, why didn’t she step up as PM? For that reason, she’s fired.
You Can’t Manufacture a Viral Video
Trump and an exec from Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee ask the teams to create a viral video to promote their Keurig cups.4 Leeza leads Infinity while Lorenzo Lamas leads Vortex.
Geraldo keeps humming the 1960s CFoN jingle, so Lorenzo decides this has to be part of their ad because, “This brand is so old that it’s perfect for Geraldo.” 5 From this, the team builds a concept in which 1950s Geraldo and Kate sip the old school CFoN coffee, only to be interrupted by new school Geraldo dancing to an EDM version of the song! In other words, they concoct the most hackneyed “not yo mama’s ” vision we’ve all seen a bajillion times. The shoot goes alright, except for the fact that Kate slows everything down with her hair and make-up ritual. When Vivica becomes frustrated, Kate (pot) accuses her (kettle) of being a diva (black).
Leeza makes Ian Infinity’s ad director because she knows he’ll horn in anyway. His initial concept involves the Empire State Building and King Kong. They have four hours to shoot. Leeza suggests that they instead build off of Kenya and Brandi’s feud. Ian and Johnny Damon will be dudes sipping coffee on the street, watching the ladies cat fight. But in their daydream vision, it’s a porny pillow fight (also hackneyed, but funnier). Everyone loves the idea and the shoot goes well, except when Ian gets control-freaky and won’t let Leeza touch his camera.
In the boardroom, everyone is chummy at first. After they watch the videos, Trump asks Kenya if it was difficult working with Brandi. Kenya says she tolerates Brandi’s meanness like a true pro and never even brings up the fact that Brandi’s ex left her for a younger, prettier woman (LeAnn Rimes). WHAT THE? Even Trump is floored, uttering his trademark, “Tough statement!” More like “completely inappropriate statement,” but then this isn’t a real job. Of course, Kenya isn’t gonna be sent packing because her team’s video is the clear winner. Hooray for Leeza’s eponymous charity!6
With about two minutes to spare and no one to blame, it’s clear Lorenzo is gonna fall on his sword. He refuses to bring anyone back to the boardroom, and so he is fired.
The More You Know
So, what did we learn in this episode of the Celebrity Apprentice?
- Sig says he can’t find his penis in the morning because of all these woman-centric challenges. The struggle is real.
- Trump once stood up to accept an Emmy right before it was awarded to a different show. By his own admission.
- Neither Kenya nor Brandi is a stupid woman, but each one keeps shooting herself in the foot with these catty antics. Except not really, because they get to keep their fake jobs.
- Geraldo is the worst (the “I am” slogan), even when he isn’t trying (his version of the CFoN jingle).
- Kate’s only friends are hair and makeup artists.
- Trump, Ivanka and Eric are sad about Lorenzo’s loss for a split second before they start gossiping about Kenya’s “tough statement”, which proves that being an a-hole is the key to longevity on Celebrity Apprentice
Next week on the Celebrity Apprentice: A boat, i.e. we finally see Sig do something.
- See episode 1’s Bill Cosby mentions ↵
- NOTE TO SELF: never shop at Nordstrom’s, it sounds stressful ↵
- She’s a Cass Tech alum – like Diana Ross! And Lily Tomlin! ↵
- How often have you and your friends shared a video ad featured on Celebrity Apprentice? DING DING – “never” is the correct answer! ↵
- Shades of whats-her-face from Danity Kane ↵
- Shady ↵