Week 3 on The Bachelor brings a whole lot of Jimmy Kimmel. Hopefully you are into that kind of thing.
Quick: what is the most terrifying thing you can think of? If it’s “waking up to Jimmy Kimmel standing over me asking me if I’m naked,” you better watch this episode of The Bachelor while sitting on the toilet, lest you soil yourself. It turns out Jimmy Kimmel is here to cross-promote for ABC, or for the less skeptical, to help Chris find true love amongst his eleventy billion potential wives. After sexually harassing the women and handing out a date card, we get to see poor Kaitlyn go on a Costco shopping one-on-one with Chris (and no, I am not making this up). Chris describes her as “handling this date with class” while rolling her around the aisles in an inflatable ball, without even a trace of irony.
The group date involves some sort of Farming Olympics and involves drinking fresh, warm goat milk. This is like Fear Factor or some shit. One of the women says “it’s salty and warm…that is NOT something I like in my mouth,” and I feel like a bigger perv than Jimmy for what I immediately think. Whitney gets the second one-on-one and they go to a winery and crash a wedding. This is kind of a perfect first date, actually. Props to The Bachelor for getting one right. They have a pool party instead of a cocktail party, and naturally these horny bitches can’t stop ogling Chris’s goodies. Thankfully, Jimmy does not show up freshly waxed, as he had threatened. There are debates about whether a girl looks “cracky,” whatever the hell that means. As always, women cry because they are not assertive enough to say “ho, it’s my turn with Chris.” You gotta know the rules of engagement, dammit.
Do embrace whatever scraps of romance you can find. Yes, Kaitlyn, it is romantic to cook with your date, and good for you ignoring the fact that you are eating said dinner with a semi-abrasive talk show host as the creepy third in your “Peter, Paul and Mary” scenario.
Don’t be thrown by Jimmy’s pervy Fantasy Suite discussion. Kaitlyn handles it like a total pro, and says she is cool with Chris banging all eleventy billion in his harem. What an awesome girlfriend, y’all!
Do bring a lot of dollar bills to the mansion if you plan to say “amazing” a lot. There is now a jar, like a swear jar, that you must respect.
Don’t be so afraid of Jillian. Yes, she has an ass that can crack pistachios, but is that really something men are into? She keeps flexing. Not attractive. And I say this as a personal trainer.
Do give it your all when competing in humiliating, nauseating events to (slightly) impress a grown adult man. Carly the karaoke-machine woman obviously has no trouble embarrassing herself, and it pays off in the Farming Olympics!
Don’t talk about whether or not you are kissing the Bachelor. Either do it or don’t do it. No need to stand there making things awkward with the man. Of course, Becca ended up with a rose, so who knows?
Do develop your wedding-crasher skills, like Whitney. This will demonstrate to the Bachelor that you are incredible wife material.
Don’t share the devastating story of your husband’s suicide on national television. I feel terrible for Juelia, but this is just too heavy a topic for this incredibly stupid show.