Episode 3: A Family Affair — The DRAMA continues on Celebrity Apprentice as the Real Housewives engage in more horrified gasping on the pages of Cosmo.
Cosmo: A Spacefiller Odyssey
This week’s edition of the Celebrity Apprentice is for the ladies. In the first task the teams are asked to design a four-page editorial about fitness for Cosmopolitan. Infinity, sort of led by Olympic snowboarder Jamie Anderson, became instantly muddled by the never ending game of “Quien Es Más Macho” going on between real housewives Kenya Moore and Brandi Glanville. Over on Vortex, baseball star Johnny Damon sat back as his team developed the “love your self(ie) naked” campaign. The PM’s task was mostly making out with his model wife during the photo shoot all nakedish and such. There was also Geraldo’s traipsing around in his underwear we were all promised. Don’t you love the new fast forward format the Celebrity Apprentice is using this season? We barely see the guys’ presentation because they have a clear concept and there is nothing telegenic about a magazine pitch meeting. To wit, we see Jamie stumbling through reading the Powerpoint1 and not engaging the audience at all. If public speaking isn’t in your skill set, why not delegate the presentation to, oh, I don’t know, Leeza Gibbons?
In the Boardroom, the guys are mixed on how they think they did. Considering none of them are current Cosmo subscribers, they hope they did okay. Kenya says she was the star of the women’s team in this task, and the self-praise is not undeserved. Brandi decides to use this as an opportunity to call Kenya “evil”—because that’s what functional adults do—and somehow the topic got around to Kenya’s booty? There’s a reason I don’t watch the Real Housewives. Although the women hit the Cosmo buzzwords, there was no cohesive theme to their spread, so Vortex won the task. More sniping from the housewives ensues, including Brandi throwing Kate Gosselin under the bus for some reason, and the other team members basically saying either Kenya or Brandi has to go. Logically, Jamie brings Kenya and Kate back for firing? What? The rest of the deliberation is based around Jamie wanting to call a mulligan on who to bring back and Trump calling Jamie indecisive. This goes on a lot longer than it should have and Jamie is ultimately fired. This show was not her game.
Always a Bridesmaid
Before the second task, Trump decides to switch up the teams. Remember, this would normally be Week 5, so the swapping is not really all that sudden. Here are the new teams:
Vortex: Geraldo, Lorenzo, Sig, Kate, Vivica, Shawn
Infinity: Ian, Terrell, Johnny, Kenya, Brandi, Leeza
This task is another “call your friends to bring in money” task built loosely around wedding dresses. Geraldo volunteers to be PM a second time while Ian has been waiting for this task. Ian came into this with a plan, having lined up a possible $185,000 ahead of time. Geraldo was aware of the potential check in his new opponent’s back pocket, so he too calls in big favors. His friends from Fox’s Fox & Friends bring in cash, and there is a sale of $100,000 to somebody. Ian’s check comes in a little under his projection, but it is still $165,000. Everyone calls in favors and even Kate is able to deliver a $30,000 check. The only people who struggled were T.O. and Johnny.
In the Boardroom, the teams learn that the difference between the winning and losing team was just over $2,000. Since it was so close, Trump offers a deal: originally the winner of the task was going to collect all the money for his charity, but if the PMs agree then they can each keep their own earnings. The PMs are not monsters2 and decide to split the earnings. It turns out Kate’s last minute check did the trick and Vortex won the task. Both teams were in the $290k ballpark, but Trump bumped the totals up to a round $300,000.
Ian stressed that the criteria he was looking for in his teammates were money and value. Brandi left mid-task due to what she described as a panic attack3, but she still managed to work her contacts for about $40,000. Kenya rocked the sales floor for civilian walk-ins and brought in $35k. Leeza also contributed a hefty sum. Johnny and T.O. didn’t bring in $15,000 combined, so it was a no-brainer who would be coming back. T.O. immediately took responsibility for not having viable donors and essentially volunteered to be fired.
The More You Know
So, what did we learn in this episode of the Celebrity Apprentice?
- Brandi’s butt will not go “ka-kunk,” as we discovered during the Cosmo photo shoot.
- Johnny Damon’s transformation into Wolverine continues.
- Ian’s wife is into pole dancing for exercise.
- Jaymes from the Amazing Race is still with Chippendales. At least I’m 95% certain that was him in the background during the bridal challenge.
- Leeza is the diplomat of the season and if she does not win I will riot.
- Kate, enamored with Geraldo’s leadership during the bridal task, wants to be his next ex-wife.
- Zombie Trump4 is engaged. Mazel tov!
- Even when compressed to 40 minutes the fundraising tasks are painfully dull.