Why Watch? Sleepy Hollow’s ‘Paradise Lost’

T: Sorry, C. Because, for Katrina to free the Man from the Horseman, apparently she has to let him go. But Abraham promises to kill no one… dun dun DUN.

M: Really? That’s her reasoning? ‘He said he wasn’t going to be evil any more!’

T: “And I can save him! Ichabod, I can!” “Katrina, you use our marriage against me! We cannot have this! We must decide this rationally!” “But we are the reason he became evil!” “HE KILLED CORBIN” Abbie cries from the side. “The witch must die,” mutters the angel.

M: REALLY?

T: “Katrina, I have serious reservations about your suitableness as my wife and possible mother of my children, which I’m not sure I can even father with my 200yr old body” said Ichabod in my imagination. Yup – Orion, it turns out, wants to wipe out ALL EVIL including those that help evil, like Katrina.

M: Very committed – I like that in an angel.

T: Katrina and Crane are all “we must work on this” and Abbie is like, “okay angel, come along we’ll figure this out somehow” Meanwhile in the bar,1 Hawley shows up

with… a Sumerian rock.

M: It did come in third on the list of things women look for in a man, just behind sense of humor and ‘great hair’.

T: The rock belonged to some Sumerian king who was so repulsive to women that he had to, uh, get it on with a mountain and spawned rock demon babies.

M: … the same rock demon babies we’ve seen over the last two seasons?

T: Snerk. THIS rock that Hawley’s got serves as: a) a tracking device for demons b) map to a weapon they will need c) it’s a rock, geez d) neutralizes angels

M: A and D?

T: Just A. Good job! Alas, Hawley has no idea how to use it.

M: He just keeps poking it with a stick, gnawing on it. It’s tough being the pretty one.

T: Pretty much. They go outside. Jenny is FIIIIIINE, there’s a whole “why were you hitting on that guy, he’d never be able to handle you, you’d make pulp of him in 5 minutes” “you have no say in this” “I’m just saying… I was thinking about us… and … ”

M: NO nonono Hawley.

T: Yeah, bad Hawley. BAD Hawley.

M: PICK A MILLS2

T: I think the writers think the Mills are interchangeable…

M: Gah….

T: So that’s weird, but they figure the rock out: smash it, and there’s the real tracker device inside. Hawley sees the demons are in the carriage house, so off go Abbie and the Angel to the carriage house.

M: …what carriage house?

T: EXACTLY – “THE” carriage house. You know, the one with the carriage that only has one wheel

where Abraham apparently is.3 THIS EPISODE MADE NO SENSE.

M: I get the feeling the production company never thought to sign a lease on any of their sets.

T: Crane, meanwhile, has done research and has learned that Orion appears a few weeks before MAJOR world disasters (Pompeii, the Inquisition, etc.) leading to the question: is Orion just really bad at preventing evil, or does he bring it?

M: The Inquisition is kinda not… the same thing as… wha? Where are we in this episode, BTW? Because I’m having salsa issues.

T: Well, I will make the end fast because it’s like, BLAH BLAH anyway… they show up at the carriage house, Abraham is there, the Angel deploys his halo-frisbee and fights Abraham, frisbee ends up in Abraham’s back, Abraham topples over, Crane arrives with a breathless Katrina, Abbie is stunned, (“that was quick!” the audience is meant to gasp), and Crane…. does what?

M: Pulls out the frisbee, throws it into Orion.

T: No, but close: Abbie is busy trying to talk to Orion about how beautiful the world is, and some minor evil has a place in that beautiful world (it was a weak speech) while Crane sneaks around back with a spear and manages to hook the flaming halo frisbee out of Abraham’s back and SMASH it.

M: Uh huh. I see. Interesting.

T: Abraham lives! Or whatever he does that passes for living. Crane promises Katrina some time to figure this magic spell out, Orion leaves in a huff, Jenny and Hawley are, uh, at a weird standstill. Cut to: a random convenience store. Someone shuffles in, shoeless and dirty, chugs a gallon of milk, turns to the clerk and asks “Is this heaven or hell?” “This is Sleepy Hollow, man,” the clerk says. Face reveal.

WHO????!

M: Irving.

T: Good job. Episode over.

M: 😀

  1. Name of our joint music project.  
  2. Name of my next album.  
  3. comma wombat.  

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About Aaron Mucciolo 206 Articles
He does things. That's all we can say at this time. E-mail: mooch@whatelseison.tv