Why Watch? Sleepy Hollow’s ‘Paradise Lost’

T: a) Hawley, staked and part of a ritual sacrifice b) a very evil looking tree c) Moloch, gaining power d) the Third Horseman! e) demons seeking a new master f) all the creatures freed from purgatory, huddled in a farmhouse like refugees.

M: E and F are two sides of the same coin, D is statistically incorrect… A at B.

T: Heh, no. Just E. They find DEMONS, chanting and incanting, seeking a new evil master, now that Moloch is gone. There is a fight. The good guys are losing. There is worry in the eyes of the Witnesses.

M: Isn’t there always?

T: But lo! What light on yonder, uh, barn window breaks! Hark! They are saved! By…. ??

M: Hawley. Please tell me he’s on a white horse, by which I mean an equine mammal, not drugs.

T: Oh man. I want Hawley to become a centaur in season 5.1 But no: no Hawley. Something else entirely.

M: A never before seen or mentioned character!

T: YES. Hint: the title of the episode is Paradise Lost.

M: Despite writing a Milton joke when prepping the post, I don’t know Paradise Lost, so I have no real guesses.

T: Paradise lost as in… paradise… heaven… heavenly bodies… heavenly chorus of …. ???

M: Angels, yes.

T: They get saved by an angel who flies in on what can only be described as a poorly disguised wire

and, um, black wings. And amber eyes. Because that’s not creepy. Plus: he has a Golden Frisbee of Doom and he kills one of the demons and the other two immolate themselves in their demon fire. The angel turns and greets our witnesses. “I am Orion. Are you friends, or foes?” and commercials!

M: “Leftenant, when a heavenly angel asks you if you’re friend or foe, you answer friend!” Wait, golden frisbee?

T: That is what it looks like. It operates like a boomerang, but it’s a frisbee.

M: Not a … halo?

T: Oh. Hm. Frisbee. I am sticking with that one.

M: Well, you’re the one who watched the episode, closely and with great attention to detail.

T: Um

M: And thus I will believe you.

T: Yes. That.

M: …and take you at your word. Which, really, is all any of us has in this world.

T: “My word is bond, Mucciolo.” Orion has arrived in Sleepy Hollow from where, and for what purpose?

M: He’s come from either Purgatory or Ardsley.2

T: DING you’re right! And WHY – or, rather, what is it he tells Abbie?

M: A message from Mama? No, wait – she’s not really the Witness!

T: HA. Oh that would be GOLD. No, he’s there to kill all the evil creatures that escaped purgatory.

M: Of course he is.

T: And… there is one candidate for Supreme Evil, now that Moloch is kaput, and Orion must vanquish this creature. This creature being?

M: Well, Henry – but I want it to be Reyes, who is unwittingly the vessel for Great Evil in the form of Ben Franklin’s evil half brother.3

T: You are SO on the Reyes-is-evil bandwagon!

M: But unwittingly evil.

T: And nope: He Must Kill The Headless Horseman! …cue further marital strife for the Cranes. Anyway, Abbie suddenly gets a call from Jenny! Who is at a bar! And needs a wingwoman because she is trying to pick up a guy! (I.e.: we get to see Sexy Jenny.) And Abbie’s all “sorry sister, there’s evil on the loose” and Jenny’s like, “well, damn, I look hot. I guess I’ll call Hawley.”

M: Because she never learns.

T: And Abbie, Orion, and Ichabod are OFF to the archive to go re-dead the horseman!

M: So much deading. How does Sexy Jenny compare with Casually Vampy Katrina?

T: Jenny cleans up nice. Rulllll nice. She has awesome hair – there was even lipstick! Now: when our Witnesses and Angel arrive at the cell, what do they find? a) Katrina in attack mode b) Katrina, hostage to a few demons who’ve found the Horseman c) Katrina but no Horseman d) Horseman but no Katrina e) Hessians

M: That’s an excellently constructed list of choices. I applaud you.

T: Thank you!

M: B – the two that immolated away earlier.

T: Nope!

M: C?

T: Yup.

M: I want it to be E, but that’s too much to ask.

  1. NOT A SEX THING. -Ed.  
  2. Joke for all the Westchester folk: same thing, eh?  
  3. Name of my third band.  

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About Aaron Mucciolo 206 Articles
He does things. That's all we can say at this time. E-mail: mooch@whatelseison.tv