5 Awesome Things from Last Night’s Celebrity Apprentice

Leeza Gibbons and Taylor Swift cosplayer Brandi Glanville on the Celebrity Apprentice
The Celebrity Apprentice (Photo: Douglas Gorenstein / NBC)

Two hours! Two episodes! Two eliminations! Too, too much Geraldo ego. Welcome to Monday night, Celebrity Apprentice!
Now locked in its regular Monday slot, Celebrity Apprentice has transitioned from one two-hour challenge to two challenges/eliminations per week. The upside is we’re spared endless boardroom scenes. The downside is… well, there isn’t one. Away we go!

First Challenge
The Celebtestants must produce and present a commercial for Neat organizational software to the company’s executives. The winning team’s project manager gets $40K for their charity. Losing team sends a sucka home. Tech-savvy Kevin Jonas steps forward to lead Vortex. Tech-phobic Kate Gosselin reluctantly agrees to lead Infinity.

Kevin immediately makes Ian Ziering the ad producer and Lorenzo Lamas the director. Then he has all the old guys ride to the studio in a different van. Geraldo Rivera feels sidelined and responds with a series of calculated tantrums. Meanwhile, Gilbert Gottfried is cast as the stressed-out dude who can’t keep his papers straight. This involves lots of anxious screaming, so he does well. Crab boat captain Sig Hansen gets his Dirty Jobs buddy Mike Rowe to do the ad voiceover, which pleases everyone other than Mr. Rivera. in the end, Kevin digs the ad, their presentation, and the execs’ response (which he found even more satisfying than yelling at Geraldo).

At Infinity headquarters, Kate can’t make a decision about anything. Leeza Gibbons steps up and leads the group toward Shawn’s ad vision (pretty much the same “Neat will fix your messy life” scenario the guys are filming). Brandi Glanville resents Kate’s lack of urgency about shooting. Kate thinks Brandi can’t handle pressure. Leeza keeps cool and successfully directs the ad. The ladies just barely meet the editing deadline, but manage to put on a decent presentation.

In the boardroom, advisors Don Jr. and George Ross share the execs’ analysis. They liked Infinity’s focus on Neat’s new cloud technology but found the ad too woman-centered. They appreciated Gilbert’s performance in Vortex’s ad, but noted that there was no mention of the cloud feature. That being a deal-breaker, Infinity wins.

Once the ladies depart, Kevin immediately blames scriptwriter Geraldo for leaving out the cloud feature, and for not heeding that criticism during production. Geraldo claims he was purposely excluded, but Ian backs up Kevin’s assessment. When Trump asks Kevin who he’s bringing back for the death match, Kevin chooses Geraldo (obvi) and… Ian? Mr. Jonas more or less admits he brought his buddy in to gang up on Geraldo, which Trump does not appreciate. Ultimately, he fires Kevin.

Second Challenge
Execs from Luvo, a line of not-unhealthy frozen meals, assign the Celebs with a product testing demo for an audience of diners, Don Jr., Ivanka and themselves. Vivica Fox leads Infinity while Terrell Owens takes the helm for Vortex. Winner gets $50K for their charity, while the loser fights to stay alive.

From the get, Vivica is organized and on task. She refuses to let the ladies’ “Scatty Cathy” style distract her. Hmm, “scatty” is one way to describe all that ineffective blather…They decide to present products in different health-focused vignettes, featuring Olympic athlete Jamie Anderson and former Miss USA Kenya Moore. Preparation hits a road block when Kate and Shawn “that time of the month” Johnson take forever shopping for props. The ladies miss rehearsal, leading to a disorganized presentation. Still, host Leeza and the various performers charm the crowd and everyone gets fed.

In Vortex land, T.O. allows Geraldo to dominate the decision-making. Lorenzo thinks Geraldo’s forever long slogan — “Eat lean, live long. Love Luvo, for a delicious life.” — sucks, but they roll with it anyway. T.O. asks all the guys to write a script for their presentation, but Gilbert decides to wing it instead. At the tasting, service is smooth and all the presenters hit their marks. Then Gilbert presents dessert. His off-color jokes upset the execs.1

In the boardroom, the teams learn the judges loved Leeza on the Infinity side, but also noted the poor service and lack of product details. Vortex aced both service and brand messaging, but the execs hated the full-of-lies slogan and Gilbert’s humor. Infinity wins again.

T.O. brings back the most deserving culprits, Geraldo and Gilbert. Trump quickly determines Gilbert has the most lukewarm feelings about winning, then fires him.

But I <3 Gilbert! Oh, well. Here are five awesome things from last night’s Celebrity Apprentice

Kate Gosselin is as annoying as you’d expect At the start of the episode, Kate takes issue with Brandi calling her “lazy” in the previous boardroom. After all, Kate has eight kids so that’s impossible, right? While Brandi and Leeza are busting ass getting ready for the first challenge, project manager Kate begs to feed them so they “won’t die.” Granted, Brandi’s exasperation in response to these interruptions isn’t helpful, but it is understood. Kate says, “Your panic is very panicking,” which is the passive-aggressive mom version of “Why are you hitting yourself?” Then there’s her meandering 6.5 hour shopping trip with Shawn in the second challenge… yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and crown Ms. Gosselin “The Worst” (non-Geraldo category).

Geraldo’s Douchiest Moment of the Week The Neat executives visit the Vortex office. Just as Kevin is asking the team to give them their undivided attention, Geraldo “takes a phone call” and shouts, “AH HA HA! Those pieces of (bleep). He tried to sue me on that contract!”…because this is how an actual phone conversation starts. His alpha display continues within five feet of the execs throughout their entire meeting. Gotta give credit, it takes some creativity to play act a Very Important Phone Call for that length of time. I know, because I hang out with a toddler all day.

Jamie comes to work high She is a snowboarder, after all. Following Infinity’s first win, she and Brandi ask the ladies to form an “infinity” (i.e. join hands in a circle). In the voiceover, Jamie muses, “I wanted to consciously take a moment to, like, connect hands with the girls and really have a moment of gratitude for the opportunity to be here and just be a better person.” Waiter, I’ll have whatever she’s smoking.

Shawn gets a visit from Aunt Flo her period In the Luvo challenge, Vivica stews when droopy-eyed Shawn admits she’s “checked out” because of her “moon cycle” issues. Granted, some women suffer more than others (and she’s a gymnast, so maybe that’s affected things). The adult approach would be to explain this to the project manager. But Shawn can’t even muster the p-word, on top of being generally useless. Vivica calls her out in the boardroom, mentioning her “monthly” problem. Trump asks, “Her monthly woman problems?” Vivica blurts, “She got her damn period!” Later, Shawn gets mad at Vivica for mentioning this “trashy” detail. SPARE ME. You’re a grown ass woman. Own your menses. And if it’s really that bad, go get some bong hits from Jamie.

Gilbert’s joke When the guys are pushing him to script his presentation, Geraldo tries writing some weak-ass jokes about Gilbert’s kids loving Luvo products. This bugs Gilbert because it isn’t true. Still, he incorporates some of Geraldo’s ideas in his routine when he says, “I have two children and I look at them every day as a miracle. The miracle is, a woman had sex with me twice. So in your face!”

Here is the execs’ reaction:

Celebrity Apprentice (Screen: NBC)
Celebrity Apprentice (Screen: NBC)

The world in which this advertising succeeds – I want to go to there.

  1. Shout out to the one dude in the crowd who belly-laughed – I was with you, man!  

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Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail: tara@whatelseison.tv
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