T: So the earlier tree burn, when Henry looked pained? Was that lightning or blood?
M: That was lightning.
T: Ah… how long does Moloch have to recharge after each burn? I mean: is it conceivable that all four have been lit by now? Or is it like, a tree a day?
M: Yeah, I was thinking ‘don’t villain speech! Just burn stuff!’ Mostly, I think it’s just a phases of your doom thing, so we can have some illustrations. Jenny says the sword is great, but with a demon army they’ll all need to weapon up. ‘What did you have in mind?’ asks Abbie. What did she have in mind, Tanya?
T: Hawley’s cavalry of MASS CARNAGE. Hawley’s carnival of wonky weapons! Hawley’s cornucopia of wibbly wobblies!
M: That sounds like a Victorian sex toy shoppe.
M: But yes – Hawley!
T: Who else, except for Jenny, reliably comes in with the weaponry… that sometimes works? I mean, sure, they coulda called on Reyes. but that only works if there’s a story they can tell her. And, uh, zombie armies is not that story.
M: ‘Historically influenced satanic cult of cosplayers.’
T: “The cartel… it has reenactors?” Reyes would see through that. and then dock Abbie’s pay. and cut off Ichabod’s coffee habit. Oh man, is there going to be an episode detailing caffeine withdrawal?
M: Hee. Hawley’s actually not totally on board at first.
T: Oh yay, tell me!
M: He points out that everyone who’s ever said the apocalypse is coming has been wrong – they’re oh-for-ten-thousand-years, as he puts it. And then it starts hailing blood.
T: Oh gross. Now I have an image of blood-spattered Hawley beard.
M: I’ll leave that image with you. It may or may not have happened, but you’ll be thinking of it alllllll night! Mmwahahhaha! Look! I’m evil! Like some characters on this show!
T: Ew ew ew ew ::eats ice cream::
M: So Hawley’s on board, bringing us to yet another missed opportunity.
M: He ‘fills his truck’ with magik-y weapons, and yet all we hear about are a katana from some important period in sword making, and flintlock pistols that were reportedly the ones Blackbeard used to sink the Leviathan.
T: Oh Hawley, you braggart.
M: I mean, he has other things – yet the writers didn’t want to crack open Wikipedia or anything.
T: Hawley’s cavern of wondrous whistlebellows.
M: They leave Hawley to watch/guard the Horseman, blah blah Ichabod and Katrina, then Moloch tells Henry that Abraham has failed him – but an army lead by War works fine, too.
T: Why does Hawley get left behind all the time? Poor puppy. (PS: I want John Noble in armor, please make this happen.)
M: We get his armored visage! So…almost. The gang shows up and faces off against the surprisingly spry zombie army.1
T: “Unsurprisingly spry” is a delightful mouthful!
M: That’s what she said? Oh even that’s lame. This whole episode is lame! You can’t handle this episode! Irving is wielding the sword like a badass.
T: …is that also lame?
M: No, that’s badass.
T: Okay whew – I wanted to be all RAWR Irving! So yay RAWR Irving!
M: Rawr Irving, indeed. War shows up, striding with purpose past the (six?) slain zombies. He and Irving fight! Irving cuts off War’s arm! War claims it’s just a flesh wound!
T: ::hiss of ketchuppy water as it sprays from the flesh wound:: (Sidenote: melted peanut butter ice cream? Not very good)
M: Like, that’s the flavor and it melted, or you added melted peanut butter to ice cream?
T: Ben’n’Jerry’s what a cluster, melted. Blurgh.
M: Irving, War, War, Irving – then Irving drives home a killing blow! And we get a pretty decent lava-blood effect – no spraying anywhere, just melting and pouring and melting.
T: Yay dead war man! Okay, so one down…
M: Well, the visage at least. Buuuuuuut Irving did not escape unscathed.
T: Uh oh. Ruh roh!
M: It is…
a mortal wound.
T: No!! No! ::rends clothes, rips hair, beats ground, sobs, wails, keens, eats a slice of pizza::
M: Okay, do all of that in slow motion, silently, while music plays. Now, you are Abbie.
T: …. what?
M: I mean, without the pizza.
T: That makes much more sense, but… silently, slow mo, with music. Really?
M: Abbie = very upset is the clear takeaway
T: Girl can’t keep a boss.
M: It’s sad, but true. Continuing the lack of locational clarity – they may be at Henry’s church, but it doesn’t look clearly like anything.
T: Such drama. High drama.
M: There’s drama, there’s high drama, and then there’s the team talking about who’s going to sacrifice themselves and who has already sacrificed. Or something. Eventually, Abbie has a plan.
T: Of course she does.
M: Cut to: Henry and Moloch. Henry whines that he can’t go delay the gang – they’ve destroyed his armor, and he is vulnerable.
T: Aww Henry. “Mummy and daddy made my armor go away. I’m grounded, Moloch.” How many trees have been burninated?
M: Three – we’re through the demon army. Moloch sends Henry on his way spitting “There have been horsemen before you and there will be horsemen after!”
M: He does look humbled…