Rayna’s Rolling Stone interview is gonna be a cover story! Guess how many people are happy about it? (Spoiler:0)Two months have passed since our last episode and Luke’s tour has just returned stateside. He’s geeked to finally spend a weekend in Nashville with fiancee Rayna. His supporting acts are less enthused; sickly Deacon just wants to go to bed alone while Will finds ways to avoid his miserable beard wife, Layla. A way-more-preggo Juliette and her ex/baby daddy Avery struggle with birth planning and the awkwardness of their relationship. As Rayna rushes home from her Dancing With the Stars performance in Los Angeles, Bucky says her Rolling Stone one page feature just turned into a cover story – but only if the reporter can spend the whole weekend with her and the fam. Everyone now knows that Gunnar is Micah’s dad, and the two guys spend lots of time together whenever Kylie runs off to Tulsa to visit her internet boyfriend. Meanwhile, unemployed Zoey grudgingly plays the role of housewife. Terry the Homeless Guy drops off a thank you gift for Scarlett and she invites him to cowrite another song.1
Will’s surprised to find Layla’s chilled out on the haterade and is actually writing her own music. Maybe the public premiere of their new reality show won’t be a complete disaster? HAHAHA! Juliette’s pissed at Rayna for not calling to chat about her new demos. Luke’s pissed at Rayna for paying more mind to the Rolling Stone guy than her wedding plans. This does not bode well for Ms. Very Private Celebrity’s cover story. But if you think that’s the worst stuff the reporter witnesses, just hang on.
Here are five awesome things from last night’s Nashville
Juliette’s Mommy Meltdown Ms. Barnes angrily confronts Rayna at the office (in front of the reporter, naturally). The boss lady calmly admits she thinks Juliette’s demos suck, lacking the realness of “Don’t Put Dirt on my Grave”. The mere thought of cowriting with Avery triggers an epic Jules pregnancy tangent. “It’s like I’m just this VESSEL…And I’ve been trying to shove it down and I’ve been trying to stay positive. And then I start thinking about how much he freaking HATES ME and then that makes me cry. And then I get PISSED OFF that that makes me cry.” Rayna suggests she write about that very real mess.2 Juliette takes a deep breath, eyes the reporter and says, “You think he’s gonna write me as a hormonal head case?” Yes, but please don’t let that stop you.
Colt and Maddie, sittin’ in a tree… While Rayna and Luke are giving the reporter a “look how happy and normal we are” tour of the mansion, they run into their children making out on a sofa. Last time we saw Maddie trying to lock lips with Colt, he pushed her away. Guess the young man’s come around on his future stepsister. Now I’m hoping they’ll elope so Luke’s child can become Deacon’s son-in-law. That should make for a fun Thanksgiving dinner.
Layla gets Jessica Simpson-ed News flash: Layla no longer sucks at music. Why? Because being a miserable beard wife has finally given her something to write about. She even thanks Will for making her unhappy because now she has “a voice”. Huh. If the improbability of her gratitude bugs you as much as me, don’t worry. It all falls to shit. The two like-birds secretly hope their reality show will tank so they can move on with their lives. But the producers do a great job of completely rebranding their obviously sexless marriage, portraying Will as a hetero stud and Layla as an absolute moron. At the red carpet premiere, the audience howls with laughter as the dumbum heroine struggles with everyday things. “How does our can opener work?” Ah, very shades of “Is tuna chicken or fish?“. Of course this show is an instant hit and now Will and Layla (both under contract) are more trapped than ever. Yay!
Rayna’s deal with the devil Contrary to Maddie’s “no big whoop” attitude about making out with Colt, Rayna knows it’ll kill her daughter to see that news in print. So mama nicely asks the reporter to leave that detail out. Yeah, right! Fortunately, Ms. Jaymes has a bargaining chip. “What if I give you a different story? What if I give you the story of Deacon Claybourne?” Oh, boy, EVERYONE’S gonna hate this. Deacon already rebuffed the reporter’s request for an interview. But Luke’s due for the biggest gut punch, especially when the dude asks Rayna, “If Deacon didn’t relapse last fall, would you two be together now?” (See above photo for her reaction.)
Bye-bye Kylie In case you were worried Gunnar might drop clever, beautiful, talented Zoey to be with his son’s mom, don’t. Kylie’s a disaster. As if it isn’t weird enough that she drives all the way to Tulsa every weekend to see some dude she met online, turns out she hasn’t even told him about her son. As soon as she does, she gets dumped. That’s when Kylie decides Gunnar is way better at this parenting biz and it would be best for everyone if she just ran off to Tulsa and never came back. Works for me. So long, nutjob! Now Zoey gets to keep her man… and inherit a crazy woman’s kid. Congratulations?
- He later reveals he was once a semi-famous musician whose entire family died in a car crash when they were coming to visit him on the road. Recognizing his incredible talent, Scarlett coaxes Terry into performing at the Bluebird open mic night. I’m detailing this TERRIBLE white savior story in the notes because it’s more suited to “awful things” than “awesome things”. ↵
- which she later does, and it’s fabulous. Also, Avery overhears her recording it, triggering the first instance of “romantic rekindling” face – I love soap operas!!! ↵