T: Nope. No teasing. What we DO get is Ichabod being introduced to emoticons. Which I totally called maybe three episodes back.
M: ::pat pat pat::
T: ::bows:: Thank you.
M: So there was an emoticon to describe how he felt about the sudden death of a woman he was totally leading on?
T: The emoticon was when he realized he needed to apologize to her for leading her on. So pre-drowning.
M: Ah. And then post drowning it was just a frowny face. No, wait, he accidentally sent a sunglasses thumbs up.
T: He doesn’t like emoticons. Get with it, Mucciolo.
M: Who doesn’t like emoticons?
T: He’s anti the juvenile form of communication. ‘What, words won’t do for you?’
M: So he also prefers not to text – very dismissive about LOLing.
T: I bet he spells out each word PAINstakingsly. And hates autocorrect. He might even break a phone over it. LOL confuses him. Look Out Lancaster? Labyrinth Openings Left!
M: He’ll become baffled by the T9 function.
T: Who isn’t?
M: Oh man, Siri is going to entrance him…
T: “What magic is this? What enchantment before mine eyes? What is this golden voice emanating from my pocket device? Leftenant Mills, who is this speaking to me in such familiar terms?”
M: Five minute monologue of feelings and words and then ‘bingbing I’m sorry, I don’t know how to find mrfflt vemsnnpp’. He’ll pronounce it sear-EE, too.
T: Yes. Poor Abbie. SO the Katrina letter is important because Katrina is not supposed to be able to use her magic in the house; Henry supposedly warded it…
M: Meaning Henry’s magic was failing… OR he left a gap to trap her/Ichabod/something something who knows.
T: Exactly. Anyway he goes after Katrina’s sin and calls up the Weeping Lady. And then Caroline is dead.
M: And He smiled evil-knowingly.
T: And then Abbie and Ichabod are like “to the library!” (imagine capes)
M: …this is only the first five minutes, isn’t it? And then they get there and…
T: Oh this is like 10 minutes in. Maybe even 15. It felt short. So they’re at the library. Ichabod is shaken, Abbie is confused, Ichabod has Katrina’s letter and is like “she loves me yay” and Abbie’s like “a woman drowned and what is this weeping lady stuff, she’s supposed to be sad not deadly.”
M: Seriously? That’s the level of sass we get? Abbie is struggling with the sass this season.
T: Yeah. Anyway, library, they get separated (because duh) –
M: Same library as the golem episode?
T: – and then a) Hawley leaps out and has witty repartee with Ichabod b) Henry makes snide remarks from the poetry stacks c) Abbie gets snatched by the Weeping Lady d) Ichabod gets attacked by a raven.
M: Not the clubhouse OR the historical society(ies)?
T: No no, the public library. Wait: now I’m doubting. I’m pretty sure it was the public library.
M: Then they wouldn’t have poetry.
T: Oh damn really?
M: It’s not funded in most states.1
T: I weep. Anyway. CHOOSE.
M: Well since you just told me B is false…
M: And as much as I want it to be D – wait, this wasn’t the Halloween episode, right?
T: Don’t you think the Wendigo will be the Halloween episode?
M: Any episode could be the Halloween episode!
M: All the other ones just feature some random police officer dealing with the monster of the week and exclaiming ‘I know they put Halloween stuff in stores early, but this is ridiculous!’
T: The truly scary part about Halloween IS how early the candy gets put out.2
M: Gah, your choices have me tied in knots. Wait, I forgot to ask – why did they get separated? And are they concerned about this fact?
T: No, it was a natural “You check history, I’ll check fiction” separation.
M: Ah. Then my guess is A, followed by C.
T: Nope, just C! Abbie is all “oh no the water lady got me glug glug”…
M: Just C?
T: …and Ichabod leaps over to snatch her back from the water – but she’s too far into the puddle!
M: Just the most typical whatever whatever oh my god they just did this last week writing trope?
T: And she’s all drowny and fighting the Weeping Lady underwater, and then Ichabod FINALLY yanks her out of the puddle and into the library… and she’s dead.
M: There’s just a puddle in the middle of the floor? Like near the periodicals?
T: A spoooooky BLACK puddle. But when Ichabod drags Abbie’s body out, it vanishes.
M: Well of course.
T: Yeah: no one notices.
M: So, Abbie’s dead. That’s an interesting cast reshuffle…
T: …and then: body.
M: A shame, really – I thought she did a good job in the role.
T: Ichabod goes into grief mode.
M: Well, maybe Jenny has a cousin or something, someone who’s in the CIA, and knows the Culper Ring. The transition should be easy is all I’m saying.
T: Or maybe, just maybe, Hawley pops out and gives Abbie mouth-to-mouth.
M: Oo, and this frees Nicole Beharie up to play Viola Davis’ estranged daughter on How to Get Away with Murder!
T: Erm. No.
M: Unless she’s under contract to NBC – I hate when networks do that.
T: She. Lives.
M: It’s like the pre-free agency MLB, and we all know how that was!
M: Stifles the art, I say.
T: Totes. But MOUTH TO MOUTH happens – it’s all in the name of rescue, but still.
M: Were there triumphant strings upon her successful revival? Was there an extra moment between the resuscitator and resuscitatee?