The hillbillies of Jasper prove that they aren’t competent enough to make a decent film on this week’s Town of the Living Dead. They also prove that they aren’t competent enough to handle the English language.
Episode 5 (“A Zombie Baby Is Born”) of Town of the Living Dead unfortunately addresses yet another homemade FX scene: a zombie baby birth. The group decides that using props of a caliber that would embarrass second graders is a good idea and praise themselves for getting shots so remarkably terrible that crew members hands are in every shot. Well done, everyone.
Episode 6 (“Don’t Mess with the Money-Maker”) revolves around both Tina’s attempts to lose weight and shooting the opening scene at a local cemetery. It was awkward watching townspeople come to the cemetery to lay flowers on a grave while Tina & Co. were trying to shoot fake blood out of a grave plot. I hit fast-forward when people arriving with a funeral procession stopped to gawk in horror at what Tina & Co. were doing. This is why filming permits are not just suggestions, Tina.
Film school thoughts
These people applaud themselves, saying that they put more time and effort into “thinking up” shots than Michael Bay does. Just let that sink in for a moment. Also, these people seem to have an obsession with Michael Bay. Are they aware that other directors exist? Especially directors in the genre of film that they’re failing to make?
Stop digging; we’ve struck gold
Tina thinks that “going on the caveman diet”1 will help her drop a ton of weight. What is her idea of “the caveman diet?” Eating chicken wings. Only chicken wings. Fried chicken wings. Literally pounds of fried chicken wings with pounds of bleu cheese dressing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner2.
Bless your heart
best worst most telling moment that explains why this production was doomed for failure from the start comes from the director, John, who describes his three main leads as “the antagonists.” The DIRECTOR doesn’t know the difference between the words “antagonist” and “protagonist.” In his defense, though, it’s hard to English – especially when your English teacher from K-12 probably only had the qualification of “blue ribbon in hog calling.” Bless your heart, John.
Michael: I consider myself a bit of a sushi connoisseur. […] This is the best sushi in Jasper, by far. It’s also the cheapest place for gas. It’s kind of a win-win3.
Laura [trying to teach Tina how to be a zombie]: Come at me. Just think, I’m a chicken wing.
Tina: Laura, that’s not funny.
Laura: It’s a little bit funny.
John: Chase, you rolling?
Chase: Running hot.
John: But is the camera rolling?
Laura: I don’t know if this is supposed to be a test of our willpower, but they have stuck two fat people alone with a plate full of pastries. [After being told the pastries she and Chase are eating were meant for a city hall meeting:] I have no regrets.
- I think “paleo” is the word you’re looking for, Shakespeare ↵
- She needs a platter to hold all of her chicken wings and a large cereal bowl to hold all the bleu cheese dressing at every meal ↵
- Please be aware that this classy gas station/sushi restaurant serves fries in Styrofoam bowls with plastic cutlery along with the “sushi.” ↵