Love Prison: Casey and Laya

An overhead view of the island serving as Love Prison.
Love Prison (Photo: A&E)

Love Prison answers the age-old question: what happens when you pair up a female commitment-phobe with a male marriage addict?

The Prisoners

Casey, 35, Houston, TX. He is an engineering consultant and is a twice-divorced single dad who confesses he moves too quickly in relationships. Laya, 35, Austin, TX. She is a financial analyst and seems to be a big-time loner. Well then, Love Prison sounds like the perfect environment for you. They have been dating online for 9 months but haven’t met.

Day One

Casey is, sadly, extremely confused that Laya is not there already. Looks like you’re the first to arrive, you slow-witted boob. He meets her at the dock and she seems kind of twitchy and nervous. They like each other, though. Neither of them can cook, but Casey tries, with horrifying but edible results. They use their yard time to drink wine and watch the sun set. (I swear I have typed that same sentence for another couple.) Casey tries to get way too familiar way too fast and Laya is freaked out, using baby talk to tell him to back off. To which Casey replies that he is “too much man” to be patient. *HORK* Casey says he has never experienced anything like this. What, a woman who doesn’t want to screw you on the first day of meeting? No wonder you’re twice divorced. Laya is the type of woman who confuses dumber alpha males, mostly because she clearly wants to move entirely at her own pace. Casey is not smart enough to realize this, and Laya is not smart enough to explicitly state this. Like a mature adult, he avoids talking to her by pretending to be asleep.

Day Two

Casey uses his one phone call to call his ex-wife Laura for advice about Laya. Laura sanely tells him to stop being an aggressive asswipe (I may be editorializing) and compromise a bit. “I didn’t want to hear that,” he responds. Fuck this douchebag. What a shitty boyfriend he would make. Laya loses at Jenga and Casey gets a kiss.

Day Three

The Instigating TV reveals that Laya hates guys who move quickly in relationships, to which impatient Casey takes mortal offense. Does he really not get that he has been divorced twice because of how he acts? And that waiting more than a couple days to have sex with someone is not unreasonable? Jesus, what a rapist.

Day Four

A badminton set is delivered to the door, which they set up and play during yard time. Laya proposes that this be a “strip badminton” match. That is the nerdiest goddamn thing I have ever heard. Of course, Casey wins, and things go from Laya referring to herself as “horny” to Laya yelling at Casey for winning and screaming “I hate you!” from the bathroom.

Day Five

Laya is having remorse about being a shrill harpy, and they discuss her relationship sabotage over breakfast. She wants to try to make it work. No mention from either of them about the work Casey needs to do.

Day Six

They spend the day staring out the windows with binoculars. This apparently is good enough to break Laya’s walls down a bit, but later on she cannot stay in the bottom bunk with him. She needs therapy. He needs therapy. And now I need therapy to figure out why the hell I am watching this.

Day Seven

Laya wants to stay together, and after an extremely long, rambling speech that sounds like a rejection for the final rose on The Bachelor, Casey says they should leave on separate boats. Laya is a good sport about it and they finally get the hell off the island solo.

Where Are They Now?

Yet another episode with no update, but I’m guessing Casey has married someone he just met and Laya is hiding in a hall closet, far away from scary, scary men.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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