Almost nothing Sleepy Hollow could put on the screen would top what a non-viewer imagines they *could* do. Almost nothing…
With travel schedules and familial commitments, lovers of Sleepy Hollow Tanya and Mooch don’t always get the chance to watch an episode within the week after its initial broadcast. Fortunately, at least one of the pair does. Even more fortunately, the other of the pair is more than willing to guess wildly about what actually happened.
The podcast may still occur, one of these days.
Mooch: How’s Texas?
Tanya: Texas is warm & full of tacos and milkshakes. Mmmm.
M: The first and the last are potentially incompatible, but I trust you to remedy this through quick consumption.
T: I ate them all. And drank the rest.
M: The Ballad of Tanya A. So – did you watch the ep yet?
T: Yeahhhhh I didn’t see it. Being home with my parents meant no tv but lots of scrabble and backgammon.
M: I think you won out. Have a few minutes for a pop quiz/discussion?
T: Yes. Quiz me!
T: Or, um, challenge me to guess stuff!
M: Okay! So: continuing the war on War or whatever this season’s arc has become, our dynamic trio had to utilize a weapon created by Ben Franklin. First off, how much hemming and hawing about whether this is a good idea or Too Dangerous do you think occurred?
T: Of a good half the episode, 25% hemming, 30% hawing, 45% exasperated eyerolls.1
M: You’re underestimating how much they want to dispense with discussion and move on to action this season. Plus Ichabod is all ‘Katrina! Revenge!!’ all of the time…
T: Oh. Right. That. Okay, 40% of the episode was hawing & hemming & eye rolling. Ten percent was the sisters arguing about The Past.
M: No! Thank goodness that is not at all present this season.
T: Oh hallelujah! Heavenly chorus.
M: So the actual answer is Abbie gets three lines of decent arguments against using the weapon, then agrees it’s their Only Real Chance.
T: <exasperated eyeroll>
M: Guess what the weapon is, though, which makes this dispensing with debate all the more delightful.
T: Are clues hidden in Poor Richards Almanac?
M: Close, it’s mentioned straight up in his diary. They may have been doing something clever in suggesting this is what the kite and key were really all about.
T: No they were trying to destroy the key.2 Hmmm an electric thing? Electric car. Horse. Man.
M: Would you believe… a Frankestein creation made of the ‘strongest parts’ of fallen Revolutionary War soldiers?
M: You are stunned into silence by the show’s brilliance.
T: I. Am. Uh, so the golem but not?
M: THAT WAS WHAT I SAID! It’s like a more powerful golem – it was designed to be even stronger than the Horseman. Now to do that, do you know what secret ingredient the founding fathers needed but could not get but our heroes have in their possession?
M: No, dumber than that.
M: I… what?
M: When I say dumber I more mean ‘Wait, why?’
T: Don’t tell me it’s a scrunchy.
M: That would have made a slight bit more sense and given Ichabod something to be confused about.
T: Ha! Erm – A light switch. The clapper. A dimmer…
M: Some piece of the Horseman because Reason.
T: Blood? Watch? I forget what they have now.
M: Blood probably could have worked, and was probably what Franklin et al envisioned, but no – his head.
M: Once again, you are stunned.
T: Not blood??!
M: Well they have the head, why would they need blood?
T: Ohhhhh that’s right. And Ichabod’s blood got separated [from the Horseman’s].3 So… The head is going ON the golem? Recipe for disaster.
M: Oh, but a delightful disaster. I want you to just picture the resulting creation, and know that it’s just as great as you are picturing. Plus with a fight scene.
T: I am impressed with my own imagination. Of course there is! Bayonets?? Chest guns? Rifles? Fists? Curse words?
M: No, halberds or something.
T: Eh fine. Cutlasses, now. Cabers.
M: Maybe I’m thinking of the wrong thing – axes on really long poles.4
T: Oh sweet. I’m happy with that. Tell me the fight was at night, on a football field. Or on consecrated grounds. Either will do.5
M: It was at night, a night that descended extremely suddenly from a sort of hazy twilight because maybe the ceremony to raise the weapon (called The Kindred) had to happen before sundown? I honestly don’t know, I just noticed the sudden darkness which, yes, looked very cool. There may have been a flaming sword eventually involved.6
T: The Kindred is a good name.
M: There’s a decent reason for it being that, but I forgot it immediately. There is so much on which we could quiz, but let’s just focus on one key introduction.
T: Ben Franklin’s granddaughter! Spitting image of Katrina…
M: Oh, dude if that turns out to be true about this character I might actually pay attention.
M: Okay – four of the following words or phrases describe the new police captain. Please select those four: 1) Latina. 2) No nonsense. 3) Gluten free (that’s her reason for not having donuts in the precinct) 4) Used to work with the Border Patrol and has experience with rampaging drug cartels that behead people, which is clearly what is happening in Sleepy Hollow. 5) Has a masonic ring on a chain around her neck. 6) Indicated she slept with Irving. 7) Indicated she knew the Mills’ mother.
T: 1. 3. 4. 7.
M: So close! 1,2,4,7. You were drawn in by my donut deception.
T: Did someone USE the phrase no-nonsense? I was actually thinking of her figure, and societal expectations of women in power to be sexually appealing as an apology for their rise to power.
A: While that is a valid contemporary storyline, one which you might assume would be shoehorned in, the show appears to be sidestepping it completely. I mean, for god’s sake, the woman looks almost middle aged.
T: Awesome, that… But did anyone SAY no nonsense?
A: You’re not letting this go, are you?
T: Nope. I want the words.
M: Sigh. The staff are almost in fear of her – there is no smiling in the halls, and Abbie can barely keep up with the pedeconference they start having as soon as she walks in late. Cap’n No Nonsense also will entertain no talk of craziness – again, clearly, this is drug cartels. And – and this is delightful – she raises an eyebrow at having a history consultant on payroll and promptly removed Ichabod from the payroll.
T: OH! This will be fun.
M: That covers the main stuff. Although Jenny does get arrested.
T: Does Jenny get arrested by new police chief lady stern?
M: Yes! you got it!
T: Also: does new police chief lady stern insist on being called Sir?
M/T simultaneously: This isn’t Castle./ (a la Castle)
M: Where did the captain arrest Jenny?
T: Before that, an important aside that’s kept me wondering: what DOES Ichabod spend his payment on? I mean: he clearly pays his phone bill, and keeps himself in skinny jeans, but is he a latte guy? An espresso man?
M: It’s so not clear if he’s actually being paid or if it’s a mason thing…
T: Does he have a tragic weakness for milkshakes? For CHEEZITS?
M: Did he leave a small amount in a bank account in 1775 and Compound Interest?7
T: Okay. Jenny has to break into the national archives to get Franklin’s diary. Police chief stern has the archives staked out for gang-related beheaders (wut) and catches Jenny in the act of… wait. It’s a routine traffic stop. she has a taillight out, and they find a body in the back. No! She’s arrested in kidnapping charges. WAIT! SHE STEALS A STAINED GLASS WINDOW FROM A CHURCH.
M: That… was also an episode of Castle.8
T: Oh, whoops. Hmm. Police chief lady stern thinks she’s doing Abbie a favor?
M: They already have the diary. It does involve archives, though.
T: Okay. She’s breaking into the archives and is arrested on possession charges – her guns finally get her got.
M: Oh my. Well done.
T: WHAT? No window stealing? Damn…
M: She went to pick up a small arsenal for Abbie in case the Kindred doesn’t quite work. And Captain Totally Not Any Mysterious Backstory literally walks in on her and a duffel bag of automatic weapons.
T: Kindred is also the name of an Octavia Butler time-traveling black people novel which is AMAZING but like, that’s totally my association.
M: Please, don’t let me stop you from associating. Apparently, by the way, the archives/clubhouse is the police department archives, not the city’s archives. This according to Captain Three Episodes Until We Get A Masons Tie In.
T: Huh. Okay. Also: Anne of Green Gables is in love with the phrase “kindred spirit” and goes around searching for hers, until she and Diana get drunk on raspberry cordial and realize They Are It.
T: Yes, it’s very teeny and adorable and then they re-enact Ophelia’s suicide. As young girls do.
M: Yaaaay? So, did you have any expectations about what this episode might contain?
T: Expectation: Ichabod makes some remark about emojis. Hope: Katrina says something REALLY wise that actually makes sense, and takes a good deep breath for once. Prayer: Henry doesn’t go black-eyed.
M: … and how disappointed would you like to be right now?9
T: I mean, I’m in Texas. I’m already disappointed. Seriously, though: what *is* he spending his paycheck on? He’s not paying rent. Utilities? Beard trimming?
M: We’ll continue to explore this next week.
T: Maybe he has a wild sock fetish. Has he been introduced to cable tv yet? Oh my god, he’d hatewatch the History Channel! It’d be AMAZING!
- For those slow with the maths, that would be the entire half episode right there. ↵
- This is true, and Mooch really was just grinning at Timothy Busfield being in the season premiere. ↵
- In the ponderous episode from season 1, ‘The Sin Eater’. Shout out to the writers who may actually have written something kind of clever here, necessitating the use of the creepy skull that’s been carted around for a season now. ↵
- Totally thinking of the right thing! ↵
- Sadly, neither occurred. ↵
- There totally was! ↵
- Probably not, given that this episode seemed like it was the first time he’d stepped foot in a bank in the modern age. ↵
- In retrospect, that might have been an episode of White Collar. Mooch just can’t get enough of rakishly good-looking leading men getting up to shenanigans. ↵
- Ichabod had almost no future confusion; Katrina may have made good points but it was, as always, overdrawn, half-whispered, and soooo dramatic; and Henry summoned his War visage. Which did lead to a cool fight scene between that, the Horseman, and the Kindred. ↵