Love Prison: Steve and Rachel

Steve and Rachel share some personal stories during their visit to the Love Prison.
Love Prison (Screen: A&E)

Love Prison may have been unceremoniously cancelled, but the horror lives on…On Demand! In this episode, meet King Douchebag and Princess Doormat.

The Prisoners

Rachel, 26, Boston. She is a restaurant manager who likes basketball and going out on weekends. Steve, 27, Boston. He is a construction worker who likes partying and, apparently, public nudity. They have been chatting for 8 months after becoming acquainted through a mutual friend. How the hell have they not met in person? Oh wait, Steve explains: because he usually screws random women and he wants to get to know Rachel before screwing her. Charming. They show fragments of their text conversations where she asks his height and he asks her bra size. Glad to see they have priorities.

Day One

Steve arrives at the Love Prison first and unleashes a string of bleeps before rape-ily describing how he expects to get laid this week because men like sex and they gave him condoms. This guy is so disgusting I need to wipe myself down with the Wet-Naps I stole from a barbecue restaurant. After Rachel shows up Steve interviews, “she’s really pretty, she has a great body and a nice ass. My only concern is I hope she feels the same.” About your ass? They play beer pong and Steve is excited that Rachel is like a dude, only with a vagina. Not for the first time do I hope this “prison” involves shanking. The Instigating TV talks about how Steve likes to drink, and Rachel thinks his shirtless pictures make him look like a douchebag. Somehow, Steve is offended by this, although it is 5000% accurate. “Nobody’s ever really called me a douche before.” IMPOSSIBLE. He gives her the silent treatment and they sleep in separate bunks.

Day Two

Steve is still butthurt about being considered a douchebag, and forces Rachel to beg for his forgiveness and give him a hug. He generously decides to let bygones be bygones. Rachel mistakes Steve’s constant sexual harassment for “having a good sense of humor.” There is a delivery of a basketball hoop and a ball, which they utilize during yard time. Rachel played ball in college despite being way too short to play at any decent school, and being bad enough at basketball to lose to a hungover douchebag like Steve. Later that night, Steve tries to get Rachel to get into his bed by begging her to come “smell his pillow.” It doesn’t work.

Day Three

They use their yard time to go swimming. Rachel is unimpressed with Steve’s grade school flirting strategies, such as pushing her off the dock, and his constant joking around. He claims he can squat 700 lb, which I don’t believe for even a split second with those chicken legs.

Day Four

Steve reveals that his high school sweetheart fucked his brother. No wonder he’s such a douchebag. Rachel is glad to see his more serious side, but I would see this as a massive red flag, since now he and his brother have been estranged for 8 years over something that isn’t terribly important.

Day Five

Steve decides he needs to make a move on Rachel, so he applies cherry Chapstick, which shockingly works. Later that night she joins him in bed and makes out with him. Steve smartly places a pillow over his erection. They create a fort with blankets on the bottom bunk so they can have sex undetected by cameras. We are spared the audio.

Day Six

Now that Rachel has “smashed” Steve (his word), he says now he can smack her ass all he wants. Oh, dear. But all is not bliss! The Instigating TV reveals that Steve’s “dating” history consists mostly of him screwing chicks and never speaking to them again. Naturally, this grosses Rachel out. Steve’s all, “what’s the problem? I go out and find drunk sluts!” And he DOESN’T think he’s a douchebag?

Day Seven

Rachel is cold towards Steve in the morning, understandably. At the dock, Steve pours his heart out and says she was worth getting to know before banging, and he wants to leave together. Rachel decides to forgive him for being so repulsive and they leave Love Prison as a couple. Just please, for the love of God, don’t breed.

Where Are They Now?

Three months later, they are still together, and Steve has ceased fucking drunk sluts. Huzzah!

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
Contact: Twitter
  • Jennyballgame

    Hahaha this is awesome. I LOVE making fun of Steve for being a douche and LOVE the fact he’s been called a douche a million times by strangers 🙂 I know him very well so I’m ok with laughing at him/calling him a douche to his face. But he’s really one of the nicest guys I know, couldn’t say enough good things about him actually. You have to know him to truly appreciate his personality.. But this is still great. And never met Rachel personally but she seems like she rocks too.

    • Clare Snyder

      Glad you liked it! As soon as they mentioned the word “douchebag” I just took it and ran with it 🙂 I think there are probably more dimensions to Steve than were shown, but it is far more entertaining television to make him seem like a colossal douche, so that’s what the good people at A&E did. Bless them!

  • Tiffany (Not Nicole)

    Love your writing style Clare!!! Better than watching the real thing

    • Clare Snyder

      Thank you so much! 🙂