Love Prison: Rosie & Chris

An overhead view of the island serving as Love Prison.
Love Prison (Photo: A&E)

Love Prison once again serves as a cautionary tale not to let online relationships go on so long without meeting in person. This will probably be the “lesson” every week.

The Prisoners

Rosie, 29, Los Angeles. She does yoga, curls her hair, and lies about her age, all of which make her perfect for online dating. Chris, 34, Marion, IA. He is a computer nerd who plays the guitar. Ugh. Already I wonder how desperate this girl is to be dating this guy on the internet for two years. Chris is not dating anyone else (I am SHOCKED to hear this, except not). Rosie is “boy-crazy,” whatever the hell that means when you’re pushing 30. She is attracted to guys with great, muscular bodies. Sorry, Chris.

Day One

The daters give up their phones (and a laptop?) and I wonder why they’d bother bringing a Dell to something called Love Prison. Chris arrives first and finds three boxes of condoms in the bathroom. That’s good to know. Rosie arrives and seems so happy to see Chris, which defies everything she said she wanted in a man. Chris says “we’re gonna have to find something to do,” then leers at her in a truly terrifying fashion. They spend their hour of yard time drinking wine and watching the sun set. While making dinner, Chris annoys the shit out of Rosie by describing every small thing he does. “I am rinsing the pan!” For her part, Rosie harps at Chris for “slamming” the microwave shut, which makes her actually sound crazy. Then she asks him if he wants to have kids one day. Then she yells at him for not passing her the salad dressing. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! Then Rosie gets into bed with Chris on the bottom bunk but demands that he not touch her. There is another bunk, you idiot. Chris snores and Rosie stays in the room seething instead of sleeping on the couch like a normal person. I already loathe her and it’s only day one.

Day Two

They get a delivery of kickboxing equipment, which they use during yard time. Rosie tries to nut-punch him and Chris acts like a woman about it. That is literally all they do on day 2.

Day Three

Our prisoners are extremely bored. But wait, there’s another delivery! It’s a guitar! Crap, we’ve gotta deal with this jackass’s musical aspirations. Fortunately for Chris, Rosie is “totally impressed” with his playing and singing. Rosie basically asks him to kiss her and he does not, because he is that big of a loser. I have decided Chris’s problem is that he is an insecure 19-year-old virgin trapped in the body of an insecure 34-year-old possible virgin. Rosie goes in for a kiss and squeals that he tastes like beer. And smells like sweat. Later that night Chris whines for Rosie to come share his bed, and she whines that he’d better not try to screw her, and he whines that she can go back up to her bunk. These two deserve each other.

Day Four

Chris calls his mother with his one phone call for the week, and tells her about kissing Rosie the night before. Rosie and I are totally creeped out. The Instigating TV interrupts Jenga time to reveal that Chris hasn’t had sex in two years because he has been waiting for Rosie; then the Instigating TV reveals that Rosie is dating other dudes. She adds that she is sleeping with at least one of them. Chris is jealous, which baffles Rosie. To be fair, why should Rosie be “faithful” to a guy she has never met?

Day Five

The tension is palpable. Rosie takes her yard time solo. Hey, since there are no working clocks, how do they know when their hour of yard time is up? Later they cook dinner and Chris literally follows her from room to room to nag her about why she is not having fun. He is so fucking creepy, you guys. I can’t even. He is seriously sitting there staring at her, even when she asks him to stop. Yes, she is insufferable, but he makes me want to get a restraining order.

Day Six

Rosie calls her friend Anastasia and says Chris is “too nice” and “very mature.” No and no. God, Rosie is a horrible judge of character.

Day Seven

Rosie sucks up to Chris for some reason, while Chris is acting distant. On the dock, Rosie decides that she wants to leave with Chris (why?), but Chris disagrees because she is too erratic. Rosie gets angry at being rejected and starts spewing lots of hate about how he is boring and drives her insane. Way to prove his point.

Where Are They Now?

Three months later, Rosie still hates Chris. She has stopped online dating. Chris has been “putting himself out there.” Whatever that means. Good luck, you crazy kids.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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