An Unfortunate Episode – The Dukes of Hazzard pilot

Bo and Luke later race over to the Boar’s Nest for a beer. Bo’s still mad that Luke won’t help Jill even though they have nothing better to do (like a job?). Luke’s justification is, “I hate skinny women.” Aw, he shoulda married Lulu. The boys enter the club and greet their cousin Daisy, who’s waiting tables. The balladeer says, “She drives like Richard Petty, shoots like Annie Oakley, knows the words to all the Dolly Parton songs.” Ugh, not the manic redneck dreamgirl trope AGAIN. Bo says to his hot, scantily clad kin, “If we weren’t cousins, I’d marry you.” Daisy replies, “It’s never stopped anyone in this family before.” Alrighty, then. Daisy then has a run-in with a grabby, drunk customer, but beats him with Miss Piggy calibre hand-to-hand combat skills. Bo and Luke try to step in, but get bonked on their noggins. Then the crowd in the club just laughs and cheers as Daisy shakes her fist in victory. Ah, nothing like a little misdirected violence to soften that imminent sexual assault tension. Daisy says her assailant is no big thing, just some douche who thinks he’s gonna make a fortune unloading slot machines off his fertilizer truck. Wh-what? The Duke boys hatch a scheme!

Later, Bo and Luke gather with Cooter and a couple other pals1 and start stage whispering about a plan to mess with Sheriff Rosco. Then they jump in their cars and embark in a friendly car chase to the nearest highway interchange. Using walkie talkies, the friends set up a surveillance net to catch the fertilizer truck carrying the slot machines. Cooter spots it, calls everybody, then Luke signals Daisy. Next thing you know, she’s in the middle of the road, jiggling in a red bikini. The truck drivers – including Mr. Grabby from the club – stop and get out to “help” her. While she makes some crazy-ass claim about getting lost on the way to the beach, the Duke boys sneak up from behind, trap the drivers, then steal their truck.

We next see the boys hanging at Uncle Jesse’s. The balladeer says the Dukes had been making whiskey for 250 years until Bo and Luke got caught making a run. Jesse promised the gub’ment he’d stop making moonshine so Bo and Luke would get off on probation. The balladeer adds, “He loved them boys better than life itself, but sometimes they really made him wonder why.” +1. Jesse flips out when he discovers the slot machines in the barn, because the Dukes ain’t ever been into gambling. In one gleaming moment of intelligence, Bo wonders why gambling is so different from making moonshine. Jesse moans, “Because making whiskey was a family tradition.” Like inbreeding? He tells the boys to get rid of the slot machines ASAP and that they better not sell them. Bo suggests they donate them to charity. Luke wonders, what if the proceeds went to the orphanage? Uncle Jesse’s on board.

Cut to a montage of the Duke boys setting up slot machines in all the local civic and fraternal clubs. The boys get 30% of the profits, all of which will go to the orphanage. When flirty Bo delivers the cash later, Jill thanks him for the donation but explains that saving the orphanage is serious business. “I have fought the rotten county politics, the health department, everybody to try and save this place. The only reason we’re being closed down is because Boss Hogg owns the board and wants the land.” Yeah, why would the health department wanna regulate your home for society’s most vulnerable? Bo tells Jill “fighting the system” is his passion and he’s not just trying to sex her. Then he throws another bag of money at her and steals a kiss when she can’t use her hands to push him away. Swoon!

  1. including an African American actor who is clearly central casting’s “I have black friends so my Confederate flag car can’t be racist” hire  

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Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail: tara@whatelseison.tv
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