Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 7 – Finale

Either admit this is a sham or stay on TV: the ultimate choice on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise.
Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Francisco Roman / ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise ends, and one of these people is a huge size queen. Guess which one!

“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: The boys and girls are separated to deliberate whether they want to keep these horrible, ill-advised relationships going outside of Paradise. Michelle finds Graham and talks him into dumping AshLee. Tasos and Christy break up, as do Jackie and Zack. The remaining three couples are given fantasy suite dates to determine whether they are destined for eternal love, or at least a raging case of genital herpes. Sarah dumps Robert after he won’t bang her in the fantasy suite. They bring in a few Bachelor couples of yore to mentor Cody, Michelle, Lacy, and Marcus. They all decide to stay together at the end, and Marcus and Lacy get engaged. Yikes.

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

AshLee’s first appearance on screen led to me rewinding it on the DVR, calling my husband over, and saying “Tell me how weird this chick’s boobs look.” His assessment: it looks like they put “a ton of makeup in the boob crack.” This was the kind of expert analysis I needed. Although to me, her boobs look like a perp’s face that has been digitally altered on the show Cops.

We see Lacy without makeup for the first time this season during the Girls Deliberation, and she looks so much better. Why in God’s name did she cake on that raccoon eyes/neon lips crap all these weeks?

Cody, while applying Chapstick: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most handsome of them all?” Sweet tiny baby Jesus. There are no words.

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

Chris Harrison: “Don’t try to fool me.” I wouldn’t dream of it, Chris. You are an intellectual giant. (Compared to the contestants, anyway.)

Michelle: “It’s a lot to take in.” I thought once Clare and Christy left, we’d be done with the boner observations.

Sarah, on her fantasy suite date with Robert: “Tonight is his perfect opportunity to get to know me in every way possible that he can get to know me, off camera. This is a huge step in any relationship, and I hope he goes there, I hope he digs deep.” Um, that’s what she said?

Okay, seriously?!

AshLee: “I’m definitely crazy about Graham.” Should have stopped after the first three words, girlfriend. Graham was right to dump her. There is absolutely nothing authentic about this woman, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Michelle calls her 8-year-old daughter to ask for relationship advice. Shockingly, she gives amazing advice, but come on, Michelle. Get your shit together.

Michelle, on her fantasy suite date with Cody: “Like, sometimes I get the impression that guys with that big of a body have a [small dick]. But I could be totally wrong. Maybe his [dick] is very muscular. Like the rest of his body. Like THE HULK.” Michelle Money, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God she didn’t ask her daughter for advice about that. The next morning she describes herself as “really sore and very satisfied,” and I start sobbing quietly.

HULK SMASH!

Marcus proposes to Lacy and she happily accepts. You’ve known each other for two weeks! You haven’t even had to do laundry yet! You cannot marry someone when you haven’t experienced their entire underwear rotation. Whatever. Mazel tov, you simpletons. Mazel tov.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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