Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 6

"Today's special is you. Just kidding, it's New England Clam Chowder." - Funny waiter on Bachelor in Paradise
Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Francisco Roman / ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise is getting more lovey-dovey by the minute. And much, much more tan.

“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: Brooks and Tasos arrive in paradise. Brooks, Jackie and Zack quickly form the world’s least interesting love triangle, while Christy (finally over Jesse’s shit) dates Tasos. Jesse eliminates himself from the competition, and Brooks goes home at the rose ceremony. Next week on the finale of Bachelor in Paradise, everything will change! It will be dramatic and shocking! *cough*

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

Robert, about Sarah: “That’s my bae.” God, the word “bae” needs to die in a fire.

As Sarah talks about her crush on Brooks, he starts singing “Mr. Cellophane” from the musical “Chicago.” Later, he and Jackie paint each other’s nails. Sarah, he is practically banging down the closet door here. Don’t waste your time.

Christy: “Jesse is half the man Tasos is.” I thought when Clare left, we’d be done with the boner observations.

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

Why the hell is Michelle confiding in man-whore Jesse about her relationship problems? Although I love the shots of Cody’s workout routine scattered throughout the conversation. Squats with a rock? Classic.

The editors are playing romantic music as Brooks waxes poetic about how Jackie is so hot that he isn’t paying attention to a word she’s saying. At least this show is self-aware enough to mock itself.

Although obviously Jesse is repulsive, I don’t understand why the women are even wasting their breath in confronting him. Just let him go back to the sewer he crawled out of, never to be heard from again.

Okay, seriously?!

Lacy, bless her heart, is infuriatingly stupid. She cannot come up with the word “stalactites,” so a producer says it for her…numerous times. Then she cannot pronounce “stalactites.” After hearing it many times. She’s lucky 1) she’s cute, and 2) Marcus is desperate.

Yes, all the women except Sarah have boob jobs in paradise. But Jackie has a really bad boob job. She looks like a drag queen who has drawn them on.

AshLee is near tears because Graham didn’t get a date card this week, then claims that she is just disappointed for him because he deserves to go on dates. What a disingenuous asshole she is. And hasn’t she gone on dates with Graham the last two weeks in a row?

HULK SMASH!

For the second week in a row, Jesse Kovacs is the most insufferable prick in paradise. Between the Lucy/handjob reveal, calling Tasos “taco” repeatedly, calling Christy a dumb blonde (it’s true, but rude to come out and say it), and bragging about hooking up with several different women to everyone, nobody was sad to see him decide to leave on his own before the rose ceremony. Bye, Jesse. You will be missed. But someone, eventually, will have good enough aim to hit you.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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