Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 4

Marquel and Clare discuss Kierkegaard and the folly of Ayn Rand on Bachelor in Paradise.
Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Agustin Murillo / ABC)

The ladies of Bachelor in Paradise have shockingly started fighting amongst themselves. Who thought competitive dating could yield conflict?

“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: Kalon, Jesse, and Cody enter the game. After Cody gets over Clare’s rejection, he hits it off with Michelle in a major way. Kalon is, of course, a total non-factor, so it comes down to whether Jackie will save No-Game Marquel or Insincere Jesse. And will Graham accept Crazy AshLee’s rose? Two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise this week, so we get only one sleepless night to worry about this cliffhanger!

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

Cody’s initial approach in asking Clare out is a bit aggressive and bro-y for my taste. Especially since Clare is “all the way into” Zack.

I remember when Jesse Kovacs was on the first iteration of Bachelor Pad and he and his bro Dave thought anyone over 30 was too long in the tooth to be on shows like this. And now he is 32. Interesting.

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

Michelle starts the episode sobbing about how she “doesn’t deserve” to stick around. Woman, you are on a trash reality show. The only way you should be saying “I don’t deserve this” is to indicate that you have not committed the sorts of crimes that would justify this punishment.

Michelle gets a back massage from Cody on the beach. As porno music plays, she says “it’s been a long time since a guy has touched me.” Bow chicka BOW WOWWWW.

Okay, seriously?!

Jackie and Jesse go on a date. He is a manipulative douchebag who is clearly angling to get a rose. Jackie is too stupid to notice.

AshLee is being a major “cee u next Tuesday” about Clare, telling Zack that he should pursue other people because Clare “f***ed a guy in the ocean.” She did not, actually. She f***ed him in the Fantasy Suite. Get it straight, bitch. And the only reason Stalker AshLee didn’t bang Sean during his season is he was a born-again virgin and wouldn’t allow it. I won’t even get into the irony of AshLee calling Clare crazy.

HULK SMASH!

Kalon comes in like the perennial shithead he is and asks out Michelle (“I would motorboat the s*** out of that!” he says); Jackie (“I don’t think a date with the two of us will be beneficial,” she says); and Sarah (“I’m zero percent attracted to Kalon,” she says). He decides to take himself on a solo date, which I’m sure he does every single night in the privacy of his bedroom. When he goes spelunking, he says “I have rappelled into a very TIGHT Mexican hole before!” and I start Googling murder laws in my state.

 

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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