Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 3

Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Bob D'Amico / ABC)
Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Bob D'Amico / ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise has now gotten into “overnight date” territory. The date cards should really contain Valtrex samples.

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

Chris injured his knee and it obviously isn’t too serious (he can still bend his knee, for God’s sake), but he spends the entire episode whining about how badly his knee hurts. Nobody cares, ya’ pantywaist.

I am bored with Sarah’s Eeyore-esque moping about how she isn’t confident enough to get the hot guys. Ever hear the expression “fake it ‘til you make it?” Sarah needs to get that shit embroidered on a throw pillow so she can see it daily.

“I’ve always thought the true test of a man is when things get hard.” Yeah, we all remember your boner observations from last week, Clare.

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

Elise constantly refers to Chris as her “beautiful rainbow” after the storm of Dylan drama. Barf. Also, “Chris is my man now. Forever.” This is not something a normal woman would say after one date.

These women are all over Marquel all of a sudden, which is very understandable until he opens his mouth and says something stupid like “you like to drink” while gulping red wine. Oh, what the hell. Whore it up, Marquel, you deserve it! But no more high-fives after kissing a woman. You are friend-zoning yourself.

“I don’t want to sound crazy, but I’m, like, semi-obsessed with Graham.” There is nothing semi about it, AshLee. You are scaring the shit out of a 35-year-old man. I thought when AshLee said she knew all about him because she follows his Instagram that he was going to sprint away, leaving behind a Graham-shaped dust cloud.

Okay, seriously?!

All the women are talking about how they’re here to find a husband. All the men are talking about how they’re here to have a good time. These are not compatible objectives.

AshLee has the balls to call Elise crazy for falling in love with Dylan so fast, yet she is asking Graham to meet her dad and talking about “making hot babies” (which…HOT babies? Really?) with him before they’ve even been on a date.

HULK SMASH!

Elise’s slutty bikinis require more blurring than a standard episode of Naked and Afraid. But you guys, she is here to find a husband! How did any woman ever land a husband without wearing a “front thong?”

“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: At the rose ceremony, most of it goes as expected, since several of these people have formed “couples” that will last about as long as the average canker sore (spoiler alert). After going on dates with both of the new ladies in the house, Marquel gives Jackie a rose. Robert gives his rose to Sarah instead of Michelle (drama!), but never fear: the injured man-slut Chris Bukowski gives Michelle his rose before leaving paradise because of his knee injury. And Elise goes with him! Good riddance. Next week on Bachelor in Paradise, we are subjected to two episodes of this garbage, with extra catfights and an ambulance. Oh, the drama.

A Brief Word From Our Sponsors:

About Clare Snyder 143 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
Contact: Twitter