Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 2

Lacy ponders the mysteries of the universe on Bachelor in Paradise.
Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Agustin Murillo / ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise gets slutty! …Sluttier? …EVEN SLUTTIER?!

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

It doesn’t matter how physically attractive these people are: they do not look good on HD television in high humidity without much makeup on.

Michelle Money says “Chris is doing so many sexually amazing things to Elise right now,” and I want to vomit.

I expect a little more than boner jokes from Clare. Not much more, but a little more.

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

Robert feels understandably miffed that Lacy dumped him for Marcus after the last rose ceremony, and is now flaunting their relationship in front of him. But did he really expect her to be classier than that? Lacy? Classy?!

The whole gang gets on their high horse about Ben’s girlfriend back home, saying he was wasting people’s time. Whose time did he waste, exactly? He didn’t even go on a date with anyone. Meanwhile, Michelle Money is sobbing about how she “takes this shit seriously.” Well, that’s YOUR mistake, sweetheart. You are all here to be on television and hook up. Stop acting like you’re here for some noble purpose.

Marquel decides to basically accuse Michelle of having a drinking problem immediately before the rose ceremony. I think we’ve discovered why Marquel is single: he has no game. None whatsoever.

Okay, seriously?!

Dylan doesn’t even know his own astrological sign. He says “November 29th…so, Scorpion [sic].” Elise the self-professed astrology fiend doesn’t even pick up that error, either. Even I know that’s Sagittarius, and I think astrology is bullshit.

Elise wants more than anything to get married. To anyone. Her genius plan to snag a man is to try to make two men who clearly aren’t that into her insanely jealous of each other. When Dylan rightly calls her out on the games she is playing, she tries to backpedal in a most pitiful fashion, then will not accept his breakup, thinking “this means he DOES care about me!” Elise, just salvage what tiny, rotten scraps remain of your dignity and walk away from Dylan.

HULK SMASH!

They wasted a lot of airtime talking about Michelle K.’s affair with a crew member named Ryan. This idiot dude apparently jumped off a balcony and broke both his ankles and legs in an effort to avoid getting caught in her room. So not only does Bachelor in Paradise feature complete morons on-screen, they also hire complete morons to make the show!

YOPO: you only paradise once! “YOPOing is about going hard and having fun!” I wish there wasn’t that pesky waiting period to buy handguns.

 “Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: Chris Bukowski shows up and takes Clare on a date, but whores it up with Elise (now out of love with Dylan, apparently) by the end of the episode. Zack K. also arrives and also takes Clare out. Homegirl gets a lot of action. Ben’s girlfriend back home is discovered and he leaves. As promised, Dylan does not accept Elise’s rose, so after a rambling speech that sounds like wedding vows, she gives the rose to Chris instead. In the end, Dylan does not receive a rose and is banished from Paradise. Next week, AshLee becomes a stage 5 clinger, Marquel finally gets some action, and Elise’s delusions are now projected onto Chris.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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