Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 1

The participants on Bachelor in Paradise do some soul searching in the premiere.
Bachelor in Paradise (Photo: Francisco Roman / ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise makes its horrifying debut. What are the most insufferable people and situations of the premiere?

Premise: a bunch of former Bachelor/ette rejects come to a resort in Mexico to “find love.” Each week the men and women will take turns distributing roses to the people they most want to bang. Those who are not chosen are sent home, and the following week replacements are sent in.

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

Daniela’s introduction: “When I like a guy, I’ll, like, say, ‘what’s up?’”

Elise cannot walk on the sand in her wedge heels. Why the hell did she wear them, then? You’re going to a beach in Mexico, for land’s sakes.

Robert to Lacy: “I’ve been wet all day long…I’m into you.”

Every time two people try to have a private conversation, everyone else spies on them from afar. I half expect them to have one of those handheld satellite listening devices like in the movie BASEketball. “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation!”

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

Clare cattily says “I have no idea who she is” about guy-favorite Lacy. Who was on the same season as Clare. Meow.

Marcus goes for a dip in the ocean wearing orange see-through briefs. Looks like all the stripping from Andi’s season has really influenced him. Naturally, Lacy runs out there to wrap her legs around her second fella of the day.

The editors try to make it look like Clare is complaining about AshLee to a raccoon.

Lacy, on the ratio of which guy she likes best: “I’m 80/40.”

Okay, seriously?!

Michelle K. says she is “maybe” single. “Sure!” After eliminating herself later, the producer asks her if she’ll find love and she says “maybe it’s already happened.” Classy.

The entire idea of this show encourages people to form relationships purely based on convenience and greed. “Give me a rose or I’ll be sent home!”

How is Michelle Money the only woman there who is interested in Marquel? He is stunning, charming, and stylish! Who else would wear polka-dot suspenders with a plaid shirt while on vacation in the tropics?

HULK SMASH!

Elise waxes rhapsodic about how she and Dylan are falling in love at first sight, while the camera shows shots of Dylan looking disinterested and sipping scotch. Elise, slow your roll. Also, her thong tan is extremely distracting.

After knowing Graham for one day, AshLee throws a shitfit when he says yes to a date with Clare. “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours!” she laments. Yes, because you have only known him for 24 hours! As a fellow thirty-something woman, I am not happy with how we are being represented here. Fortunately, Clare is sweet enough to sit down with AshLee and make it right (Clare had no idea AshLee liked him), asking Robert instead.

“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: After a revolving door of random dates, two women will not receive roses and be abolished from paradise (or “Clare-adise,” as she terms it, and I am so stealing that). Michelle K. withdraws herself before the ceremony, but she wouldn’t have gotten a rose anyway. Daniela is not given a rose and heads home. Next week, more guys are brought in, and the ladies will get to determine the fate of the men. Also, walking-STD Chris Bukowski arrives and turns the resort upside-down.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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