This week on The Bachelorette, the Men Tell All! First question: “how’s it hanging?”
Since there are no roses to be awarded tonight, let’s analyze the Dos and Don’ts of not making an ass of yourself on the Men Tell All episode!
DON’T go on and on about your pregnancy. Nobody besides your own mother will ever give a shit. Ashley and JP are a sweet couple but yuck.
DON’T get an ultrasound on national television. Full disclosure: I fast-forwarded through this entire segment.
DO watch Bachelor in Paradise! If it’s anything like Bachelor Pad, it will be worth it.
DO mock the copious scarf-wearing that happened this season.
DON’T allegedly use the word “blackie,” then try to make things better by complimenting how “Ron” (actually Marquel, but they all look alike, right, Andrew?) handled the situation. Andrew sucks.
DON’T be 1) a pantsapreneur named JJ who 2) interrupts Marquel’s “hot seat” time by 3) practically sobbing about how the other men don’t like you. That sound you all heard afterward was every ladypart in America drying up.
DON’T cry during Marquel’s clip show like the mouth-breathing losers sitting in the audience of this charade. (Was that cynical?)
DO be classy. Marquel was very gracious about being stuck in the “friend zone” with Andi, and didn’t say an unkind word about anyone on the show. Not sure about that sock/cookie pin/pants/shirt combo, though, but Marquel is nothing if not adventurous about fashion.
DO be more memorable than Marcus. I know he made final 4, but I honestly don’t know much about him except that his family life totally sucks. Also: stripping. Neither of those is the stuff of lasting love.
DON’T live in Iowa. This may have been the primary lesson from Chris’s interview segment. Honestly, I’m not really sure.
DON’T yell out that you have a question from the audience, then come on stage and awkwardly hit on contestant Chris. Even the crowd of simpletons feels uncomfortable.
DO be well-spoken and concise like Andi when dealing with her thousands of ex-boyfriends’ questions in the hot seat.
Next week on The Bachelorette, the grand finale! Who will she choose: Nick or Josh? And how long will they last?