The Bachelorette and her bro-thel defile Venice. Voglio morire.
DO mispronounce everything. It’s so romantic, y’all.
DON’T question why a trite phrase written in a gondola in Venice would be written in English instead of Italian.
If this gondola’s a-rockin’, DON’T come a-knockin’.
DO go on and on and on and on about your feelings for Andi, Nick. Nobody watching is bored. *cough*
DON’T have men take a lie detector test on a group date. This is the most insane shit on the planet. Especially with such hard-hitting, objective questions as “are you good in bed?” She ripped up the answers anyway, so that was a huge waste of time.
DON’T declare your love for Andi when she has 7 other boyfriends. Nick and Marcus both end up sticking around this week, but this is still a poor long-term strategy.
DO wear a man-scarf like Josh. There’s a reason this guy has launched a thousand bro-crushes.
DO write lovely secret admirer notes to Andi, as Chris did. It delights her cold, lawyer heart! Also, you will get loud, lip-smacking smooches like your aunt used to give you when you were five years old, which is totally sexy.
DON’T write a letter to Juliet asking the “rules for texting in relationships.”1 Juliet is fictional, centuries old, and therefore does not have a smartphone.
DON’T dress up for a night at the Roxbury and expect to get a rose. Bye bye, Cody. She just wasn’t that into your hair or your man-teats.
DO go for alone time whenever possible. The other guys will get pissed, but you will never see them again after this, so who cares?
DON’T rip off 10 Things I Hate About You when you write your bad poetry, Brian. In fact, DON’T write poetry, period. Unless you are Shel Silverstein, you cannot pull that shit off.
Leaving tonight: Cody (meathead meets Mr. Potato Head) and JJ (pantsapreneur who claims to be good in bed? As if).
Next week on The Bachelorette, they head to Belgium, harass geese, and narrow down the group to the hometown four. And apparently Nick is a douchebag.
- “I still think you’re making that up.” – Mike ↵